Valentine's Day in two days. it never fails. doesn't matter who i'm with or what i've done in preparation to avoid this fact, i'm always alone on V.D. during the entire kent relationship, he was always somewhere else. yes, he was in canada. but, i mean he didn't even call me on the phone or anything that day either.

doesn't matter what i do. i'm always alone on this day.
so i think, when i finally meet a guy who's actually there to take me somewhere on Valentine's Day, that this guy will be worth keeping around me. but i don't see the point in this stuff anymore. jackie's told me i'm more fucked up when dealing with relationships than she is. maybe she's right. i've dated only seven guys, which isn't much compared to every other gay guy in the world. but every one of those relationships ended disasterously. ryan and james are the only ones i still talk to, i think, and i hardly ever speak to james. i just can't get along with anyone, i guess.

a funny thing actually happened to me a couple weeks ago. but i have to do some back-tracking to explain it.

sometime last year i met this guy online named jason. he was seventeen at the time (while i was fourteen), and he lived in new orleans. he was absolutely gorgeous. dark hair, beautiful blue eyes. he was on the swim team at his school, so he was really muscled. plus, he was sweet and creative and clever and et cetera. then, he was bi. and he thought i was cute.

sounds wonderful, yes? well, he had a girlfriend. and i still don't understand that relationship at all. she was hideous, extremely fat, ugly. all of that. and i'm being nice. and jason constantly told me how much they fought and how much he wanted to break up with her. so i kept screaming, "then fucking do!" because i really liked him, and i wanted to date him. but no, it didn't happen. we got into a fight and didn't talk for a couple months, then he randomly imed me one day. this happened last year, when i was living in slidell. we started talking again a few weeks before i had my performance in that play, so i invitited him to come see me.

and he actually did, which is incredibly considering he had to drive fourty-five minutes to a city he'd never visited before to see me. but he came, which was amazing to me.

except that he brought his girlfriend with him. so that made me mad and i didn't really talk to him again much, and then suddenly he just disappeared. i never heard anything about him at all.

that is, until a few weeks ago. since kathryn's house is a couple minutes' walk from the mall, i've been going there quite often. and one of these trips brought me to Hot Topic, where who should i find standing before me.

i freaked out and pretty much (yet suave-ly) ran out of the store. i went in a couple days later and he was there again. and he was there the next day. yadda yadda. turns out he worked there, not that he was a weird Hot Topic stalker. but he never recognised me. so one day i got some courage and walked up to him and asked him what his name was. this led into a conversation where he finally realised who i was, and then we talked about "the good old days" for a few minutes. then, taking control of the situation (hah.), i told him i had to go, even though i didn't and i really wanted to talk to him. but i didn't want to appear clingy, just as i'd finally found him again.

i went in the store a few days later, just as he happened to get off for his break, so he invited me to come with him. when i left this time, he gave me his number. so i gave him mine.

i called him once, to see if he wanted to go out anywhere with me. sortof a date, but not really. he told me he'd call me when his shift ended. he never did.

and i still haven't heard from him. i've been too busy lately to go into the mall, so i haven't heard from him either. it didn't surprise me too much, though. i've grown to expect this of him. i guess i hoped that maybe not talking to him for two years would've made him change some, but it didn't. he's nineteen now, i'm seventeen. that's the only difference.

i really hate guys. and it's another Valentine's Day, and i'm still all alone.
g'night.

it's friday night and she's all alone
he's a million miles away
she's dressed to kill, the tv's on
he's connected to the sound
and he's got pictures on the wall
of all the girls he's loved before
and she knows all his favourite songs.

Entry last modified: June 28, 2007 at 8:30 pm.

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