and so it has happened. i've finally left home.

the keys of my apartment are currently jingling in my pocket. it's an amazing sound. and an incredible feeling is holding onto it.

jackie and i spent all of yesterday (literally) unpacking and such. we got up at eight, by eleven we were leaving for the apartment because we had to sign the lease. and from eleven until one in the morning, when i finally went to sleep, we were still unpacking and arranging. the bulk of the stuff was jackie's. as i've moved from house to house SEVERAL times in my life, i learned an appreciation for the simple lifestyle: having less property meant having less things to lug about when you moved again. thus, it only took me one trip in the car and an hour of packing/unpacking before i was finished.

jackie, on the other hand, has lived in the same house for quite some time, so she had EVERYTHING from her childhood still. i don't even think she's managed to bring over a third of it from her old home. so that is what kept us busy.

the first night there was a mixture of elation, giddiness, depression, and fear like i've never known before. i was happy as all hell to finally be doing this, to finally be out of my parent's claws and not be living like a bum in someone else's home, but i was also terrified. that really surprised me. because, as my parents and i have had problems ever since i learned how to talk, i've lived with other people for long stretches of time as a bit of a break. and never once have i ever been homesick. i've never been as scared to be away from my family as i was last night.

i don't know why that is. maybe it's because this is the first time i'm fully responsible for myself. and if i fuck up, there won't be anybody to save me except for me. and that frightens me.

i was also depressed by the lack of money we had. i got an eight dollar check last week. i should've saved it for food, but instead i went and spent it all on cds. i was furious about that, because when we moved in, we had nothing to eat. jackie had borrowed twenty dollars from her mom so we could buy some toilet paper and other eccential things, and by the time that was done with, we only had eight dollars left.

at some point i called my parents (we went ahead and hooked up the phone, cos neither of us wants to be without one.) because i needed to get my pillows and the last few things i'd left over there. my mom asked us if we needed any dishes, so i told her we could use some pots and pans. then she mentioned food. i thought a second, realized that the only thing inside our fridge were five cans of dr pepper and the remains of a six-pack of beer that jackie's mover friends had brought over.

"yeah, if you happen to have some food you don't want, we'll take it."

jackie drove me over to my old house, where i discovered BAGS and BAGS of food sitting out for us. it was enough to make me cry, and i would have if i hadn't been shocked speechless. so we took the food home and unloaded it, filled our pantry and i set about to make dinner.

the most complete meal thing they had was a box of Tuna Helper, so i started that. but i had no milk or butter. i took the last of the money and walked down to the grocery store, which is just at the end of our street. during that walk, i don't know how many times i started crying and shaking. i was terrified. i had eight dollars then, but what would i do tomorrow? i don't get paid until next friday. what will i do for food until then?

i still don't have the answers to this, but i feel a little bit better about things than i did last night. jackie went out with a friend of her's to go see another friend play guitar at open mike night, so for a few hours i had the house to myself. i unpacked and cooked at the same time, then called a bunch of my friends to share the details with them. that in itself made me much happier, because i don't really like being alone.

on the one hand, i love getting everybody out of the house so that i can have a break and some quiet, but it's a good thing that i have a roommate. i couldn't handle that quiet all the time. it would make me really really lonely, and i'd hate it.

so right now i'm over at kathryn's house again, because jackie had to leave for work early and i didn't have another ride. i'm getting ready for work myself. i'm aching and sore as ALL hell, but it's a good kind of soreness. it's the kind of pain that lets me know last night did happen, and i didn't just dream it all up.

so, i'm finally gone. i don't know how often the site will be updated now until i get my own computer (which will be soon, hopefully), but i will try to make posts from time to time. either at kat's house or from a library. if you send me email, don't expect an immediate reply. and if you're one of my closer friends online, email me and i'll give you the address/phone number of the new house. i will welcome all calls and letters with huge, open arms.

thank you everyone. i can't say much more than that.
but thank you nonetheless.

– love, Josh M

honey can you hear me
in between, been draggin a dragonfly
trying to get my mansions green
after i've GREY GARDENS seen
honey won't you hold me tight
get me through GREY GARDENS tonight.

Entry last modified: June 28, 2007 at 8:31 pm.

Comments for new visitors are moderated and will not appear immediately. There's no need to submit more than once.