i got paid yesterday and went out on a cd-buying splurge. i swear, i get the check and then all guises of responsibility go out the window. i completely disregard the fact that i've got rent due in a month. i disregard the fact that i'm really not making anything close to enough to allow me to go out and spend practically fourty dollars in one day. i paid jackie back some of the money i owed her for the apartment (since she made the deposit before i'd got a job.), and then i put sixty dollars away for savings. and now i'm broke. sigh.

i'm feeling sortof melancholy. i read this journal today and it made me feel depressed and nostalgic. because in an odd sort of way his relationship reminds me of kent and i. except flipped around in a hundred ways.

i thought about him today. i don't know what prompted it or anything, but i just did. and it made me sad. because try as i might, i can't seem to make myself better over this. he's been dead six months now. it hasn't seemed like that much time has passed. half of a year. half of a year.

it doesn't seem fair, still. but i don't know how or why it should, since nothing about our relationship had been fair. it wasn't fair that he lived in canada. it wasn't fair that i lived in louisiana. it wasn't fair that we were three years, five months apart, and he let it stand in the way of everything. it wasn't fair that the only time i got to hear his voice was over the phone. it wasn't fair that when i finally saw him, finally got the thing that i'd prayed and begged and cried for so long over, he broke up with me immediately. it wasn't fair that i let myself do to/with him what i did out of desperation, depression, lust. i don't even know anymore. it wasn't fair that he told me not to talk to him. it wasn't fair that i did. it wasn't fair that the last words he ever told me were "good luck." not, i love you. not, i'm sorry. not anything that made me feel any better.

no, good luck.

it wasn't fair that the last time i ever talked to him, he made me cry. and it's not fair that forever, forever, i will be reminded of that. and i will always wish it had been different.

2 March 2002 at 5:55 pm | No Comments »
the daily things

today i did something that was quite an accomplishment for myself. i rode a bicycle all the way from my house to my job.

i know, that doesn't sound like anything astounding. but take into consideration that i learned how to ride a bicycle yesterday. now it seems like a much bigger deal.

i left home two hours early, because i wasn't sure how long the trip would take, and i got to work an hour and fifteen minutes before my shift started. and that was even with me fucking up, crashing, taking the wrong roads and having to back-track. so i think that's marvelous. it was incredible to be riding that damn thing, even though my legs are throbbing, it was raining as all hell, and my pants are covered in mud. but it was freedom; freedom like i've never experienced before, living at home. it's something i've never been able to hold onto, because my parents were overbearing and overprotective, even though i think they thought they were pretty liberal. i still have a lot of bitterness, anger, and resentment about them. i don't think i should, but i've noticed that we get along much much better now that i don't see them everyday. that's to be expected, though.

so i have to leave for work in a bit. i'm using kat's computer again because i didn't want to wait an hour at work. i'm enjoying my new-found freedom and responsibilities so much. i hope this feeling lasts, but i'm not deluded nor naive enough to say "it'll always be this wonderful!" because i know one day i'm going to be tired and frustrated, because i'm a highschool drop out, working at mcdonalds. i know one day my legs will be too tired to pedal, and i know one day jackie will get on my nerves too much. i know one day, this won't be wonderful.

but for now, i'll ignore that, and just relish the feeling of the air curling itself in and out of my hair.

1 March 2002 at 9:47 am | No Comments »
the daily things