i've got some bad news. i discovered rather accidentally a few days ago that tu.nu is shutting down in a few days. which means that josh and bre.akdo.wn are currently homeless.

but this doesn't mean that i'm disappearing, though i've been tempted to take this as an opportunity to call everything quits. i've been doing this for four years now. my fan-base (hah) at one point reached a hundred unique hits a day. i consider that quite an achievement, and it makes me feel good. that at least there's something about me that people find interesting enough to continuously read about my life. i appreciate that support more than you guys can understand.

however, i'm not busting my ass to find a new host or get myself re-situated. it'll happen eventually. and when it does, if the universe wants you to stick with me, you'll manage to find out where i'm hiding. because when tu.nu expires, i won't be able to put up a forwarding page.

but you'll find me. even if you just cheat and email me for the new link. and i'll love you for making the effort, no matter how extravagent.

that having been said, i suppose this is goodbye for the time being. unless something unexpected happens, this is the last update for this page in this domain and state. it's been so much fun, everybody. i love you all too much for words.

goodbye.

30 May 2002 at 3:26 pm | No Comments »
hear ye!

i never did explain how things went with jacob.
well, we went out on our little date, and have been out on a couple since then. i've even gotten some sex out of the arrangement, so that's fun and all. things seemed to be progressing rather well, and i was even humouring the idea of doing the full-out Boyfriend Arrangement(TM) with him. if you haven't gathered from the past tense that this is no happy story, try again later.

today, he calls me to tell me that he just wants to be friends. out of the blue, no preperation nor warning. just bam. this, after i already had a super-shitty day.

i wasn't expecting this. i thought things were going along nicely. and then, like usual, i'm left behind.
i really don't know why i try anymore. i think it would've been easier just to stay a virgin, then i wouldn't be craving sex so badly. fuck. i'm gonna go get castrated so i don't even have to worry about it.

it doesn't make all that much sense to me, but it never does. he says he doesn't have feelings for me. the truth is he's interested in someone else, but he won't come out and admit that to me. no, he just has to allude to that fact and hope i'll bring the subject up.

i hate little games. fuck.
but even now, when i feel like just throwing it all away and saying "fuck this up the ass," will i? nope. as soon as someone else displays interest (and it'll likely be a long time from now), i'll repeat the whole thing again. it's a stupid, stupid cycle. sigh.

but until that time, no men for me. sure.

staying home alone on a Friday
flat on the floor looking back
on old love
or lack thereof
after all the crushes have faded
and all my wishful thinking was wrong
i'm jaded–
i hate it
i'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here

27 May 2002 at 12:07 pm | No Comments »
bitching

i have come to realize, lately, that life (the life i see and experience around me) only continues to worsen. i'm not referring to any of my own personal experiences. i mean that life in general is traveling downhill.

but i've been forced to wonder if it was always like this, and my perceptions have just changed from thinking the world was peachy to this realization, or if things really are going to shit.

when i was younger, it seemed different. there was always an air of caution to my life, that doing this would lead to this negative consequence, but the bad stuff never seemed all that worrying. it generally amounted to punishment from my parents. but as i grew up that caution grew into something else entirely. it went from being fear of the parents to fear of outside, external forces.

and now, i am truly paranoid and untrusting of the strangers around me. the good majourity of this stems from my car accident back in march, i believe. i can't seriously get into a car now and feel safe at all. i'm acutely aware of the driving of the person next to me and the people in the cars surrounding me.

and i'm scared out of my mind more often than not.

when i was younger, i don't remember speeding. or when i did, it was only because my mother casually referred to it as "wow, there goes batman." it wasn't scary.

but now it is. and now, as i have been as of late, i'm reminded of how much i wish i could've stayed within the few happy sectours of my childhood that still felt safe.

sigh. and how few those were, as well.

————————-

ps. i got a new email addy: taeolyn@datura.org. you can send all mail to this. thanks.

cos it's a bittersweet symphony,
this life.

23 May 2002 at 1:37 am | No Comments »
introspection

a bunch of new stuff to announce.

i made the abrupt (but completely welcome) transition from fast-food to temp earlier this week. i had an interview on monday for the job. the interview itself was nerve-wracking, because i had to take several aptitude tests on Word, Excel, Word Perfect, and several desktop publishing programs. those were no problem. what made it stressful was that i was in a tiny, soundproof room with only one door and one, blatently two-way, mirrour that was also a window into another room. and i had the distinct feeling that i was being "studied." it was unnerving. the final part was sortof funny though. notepad opened up in front of me, and i found myself staring at a blinking cursour. i had no idea what to do. there was a sheet of paper next to me that was an essay about creativity, and how to become inspired. the wording made me think that i was supposed to write a response, so that's what i did. it was pretty nifty writing, i think. anyway, i finished and i knocked on the mirrour/window, and a lady opened it up and took my test results.

she got down to the final essay part and said to me, "well, something's not right here. this says you made four hundred eighty-four errours." i was confused, so i asked her what i was supposed to do. "you were supposed to type up the sheet of paper next to the computer." that made more sense. so i went back and did that. turns out, it was supposed to measure the speed at which i type.

i'm proud to say that it's seventy-five words per minute.

so i just have to wait for her to call me back, which will hopefully be on friday. and then i'll get to start working in an office building. and i won't come home smelling of hamburger.
oh, how glorious.

to add to my good news, i'm going to get my cheque from the auto accident (where the guy hit me on my bike) soon. three thousand dollars plus the cost of replacing the bike. i am estatic. this will help me out SO much, so i'm in a very good mood.

to add to the announcements, i have a date. sunday i'm going out with this guy named jacob. it's a blind date, but a friend of mine is the orchestratour, and i trust her judgement. i mean, what do i have to lose? maybe i'll end up liking him and he'll be cute, as well.

anyway, i'm gonna leave now. g'night!

17 May 2002 at 12:27 pm | No Comments »
the daily things

you are to me
like
rain:

a sound so
clean and soft;

its vines bloom beneath,
looking only for you.

kiss me cold–
for love
is the dream of winter.

6 May 2002 at 2:56 am | No Comments »
poetry/prose

well today was an adventure, to say the least. last night jackie and i bought tickets in advance to the opening of spiderman, and we went today to go see it. so as we were merrily on our way to the theatre, her car was hit in the passenger's side by a grand prix doing fifty miles an hour. i've decided that i've become a magnet for automobile accidents (an assumption that jackie shares), and it's best for me to avoid them from now on. or at least until i'm thirty and get hit by a bus.

both of us were fine. jackie's car only got clipped in the right headlight and otherwise wasn't damaged, but the other guy's car was totalled. he overcompensated amazingly after hitting us and somehow or other managed to make a total right angle into a Wonder Fence (TM). this fence was constructed by jesus, or something, because a teeny-tiny car was on the other side of it, and it wasn't even SCRATCHED by the insane fucker. but it caused his hood to be relocated a couple feet, into his front seat. it was painful to look at.

he, though, was also fine. he was a crazy black man who ranted and screamed for half an hour about how "that fuckin bitch fuckin SNUCK me!" but we only missed half an hour of the movie, so things still managed to be gravy.

our lives are some twisted sitcom. i don't know who watches it, and certainly not who writes for it, but they are truly fucked up individuals. i think jackie and i deserve royalties.

anyway, goodnight for now. i'll write some more later, unless i get hit by a truck this time.

ps. spiderman was amazing. you should all go watch it, so i'm not the only dork in the universe.

4 May 2002 at 3:10 am | No Comments »
the daily things

excuse me if i'm not lucid, but i've had a bit of a moment just a few seconds ago. except these are becoming all too commonplace.

i checked my mail today to discover that datura.org's mail-service has decided to shut down, giving its customers basically a day's notice. except i didn't notice the fact that this shutdown would occur TODAY, so i had to freak out and forward all of my saved emails and such to another account, just barely making it. but that's not the point of this. that's only what led this to develop.

in the middle of sending over all those emails, i happened to glance at a lot of them. and i became nostalgic. i miss the life that i had when all of those were sent out. i miss the life that was so much simplier and seemed to make a whole lot sense for me. but then, at the same moment, i don't miss it at all. i'm glad i've escaped from that– the lying, the hiding, the secrecy. i'm glad to be free.

now you'll have to excuse me, because i'm going to whine and bitch, and you're welcome to leave at this point. fuck. i always whine and bitch. but right now, i'm willing to admit it.

i'm tired of trying to sit here and be strong. i'm tired of trying to put on the facade that i have a fucking clue of how to survive right now. i'm so broke it's not even funny. i'm so broke that i won't be able to pay the rent that was due today until i get my next cheque. i'm so broke that i'm going to have to borrow two hundred dollars just to be able to pay for this.

i fucking HATE the fact that i have to deal with all of this right now. yeah, i know everybody else has debt problems and has to pay rent and bills and all of that. but i want to sit here right now and think that i'm special, so i shouldn't have to.

bear with me. i know i'm being unreasonable.

i have this overwhelming urge to just leave. i didn't really expect to get it now that i've effectively left my childhood, and i'm now on my own, but i do. i want to pack up and move away. but i can't. i know i can't. david offered to let me live with him again. like he did once while i was living at my parents' house. like he did when they kicked me out. and each time i told myself that i could take him up on that offer. that i could handle it.

but i can't. i want to leave, but the idea of it fills me with so much fear that it makes me sick to my stomach. he tells me that he loves me. but he's just a comfort zone. i know that's harsh to say, and i know he's not going to enjoy hearing it because i know he'll read this, but it's true. i'm so fucked up right now…. i don't know how many ex-boyfriends i've run back to since december. not because i developed new feelings for them, but because– at one point and no matter how brief– they comforted me. they made me feel safe and secure. ryan and i started dating again, up until i realized what i was doing (i think) and decided to end it. but only after going out and fucking a twenty-seven year old. i haven't been making any rational decisions at all lately. i don't feel like i have to. i am in total denial that i am now a fucking adult, whether by choice or not.

but i need to get away. i need to get away from everything i have here, everything i've had period. i want to start over. start over far, far away from the place i've grown up.

from this state. from this country.

i want to get away and try and make it totally on my own. and as i type these words up here i realize that that was a very kent-esque thing for me to say. when i met him he was planning on moving up north (the arctic, he claimed) to live in the forests and be totally dependent on solely himself. now, while i'm not wishing for something that drastic, i've reached the point where i can share his sentiments.

i need to leave. because i have work. but i don't want to.
god. if anybody out there can relate to what i'm going through and feels like sharing, please go ahead and do. please give me some advice, give me some new line of thinking. present me with some new options.

i need something new. even if it's a tiny, small amount of it. i crave this.

goodnight.

oh, ps. for the time being, send all emails to maldoreldomic@hotmail.com. this is only until i get a new account up and running. thank you so much. you people don't know how much i love and cherish you all for your support, even when i know i don't make any sense and i should just shut up.

i love you all.

now, goodnight.

2 May 2002 at 4:09 am | No Comments »
the daily things