So I decided to join in on this pre-generated diary craze. Partly because I still haven't found a new host to replace my site, but also because I'm really lazy, and this is easy. I currently lack the creativity and drive to create a new layout, so this'll suffice, because I still have that overpowering urge to write about my life. Even though, as I type these words into this computer, I know that I'm the only person who will have this link for a little while.

But that's no matter. I have to start over, so I may as well do it completely from the bottom.

So. Let's start with the actual journal part then, hey?

At this current moment, I'm really pissed off. Jackie and I got into a horrible fight today at Laser Tag (Yeah, I know. Of all places.) that had really begin last night. Well, actually, it started earlier last week, when my mother drove over to our apartment to bring over the siblings so they could use my over-priced apartment's only redeeming factour: an olympic-size swimming pool.

For those of you just tuning in, Jackie is my roommate. We've been living together since mid-february, when she brought up the idea. At the time, I was living with one of my really good friends Kathryn. I was in-between houses because I left home in december of 2001, determined to "strike out on my own." Or something.

Anyway, my mother and I were sitting around the pool, having a discussion about my current state of affairs. It's odd that we can talk like that now; I'm pretty sure it's solely because I no longer share their roof that such a thing is possible. Before moving out, our fights were constant and usually didn't end until somebody (generally me) got hurt. Physically, emotionally? Shrug. All the same.

The current discussion was about my finances. My mother happened to bring up the subject of my lack of credit. As I am only seventeen, thus, still a minour, I am very limited in the methods I can use to build credit. So she mentioned getting one of the bills transfered into my name. As I've already been paying them for nearly six months, it wouldn't be any different than before. I agreed with my mother, and didn't see how Jackie would have much of a problem with it.

Jesus, was I wrong.

Last night, I brought the topic up with her. And she flat out refused. This honestly surprised me, because I didn't expect her to at all. I expected her to say, "Sure Josh. I'll call the phone company up tomorrow and get it changed right away!" But no, she told me no. Not only did she tell me no, she had the audacity to tell me that "the issue was closed" when I asked for an explaination. So, since I was not about to let her dictate when a fight began and ended, we argued for about half an hour, until I reached a level of anger that I knew was not healthy and decided to leave the room. But I was pissed. Oh, was I pissed.

So it was only natural that it'll blow up again. But unlike earthquakes, our aftershocks our even more destructive than the inital tremour.

I've still been really surprised during all of this, because I don't see how what I'm asking her is unreasonable. I already pay the damn thing every month, so there's no change. It'll just allow me to get a fucking credit record — something I need so that I don't have to rely on other people for the rest of my life. I thought Jackie would understand this, but apparently I assumed too much.

So I brought it up while we were at Laser Tag earlier today. I know, probably not the time nor the place, but I've never been one who particularily cared about fighting in public. I probably enjoy the looks I get. Either that, or it fuels my anger.

So Jackie and I definately argued for close to an hour today. And it ended, once again, with me leaving. But not until after I told her that she needed to find a new roommate, because when the lease expires, I plan on moving out.

Which is very much true. It's been true for the past month, at least. The only issue was where I planned on moving to. And that's been solved, at least on my end. But I'm not gonna discuss it right now; not until it's more solid, because I'm a firm believer that a person's negative energy can affect such things. And I'm so unhappy with where I am right now that I don't want to have to risk such a thing.

Speaking of which, I had the strangest dream last night. It was centered around such a thought: the fact that I am violently unhappy with the direction that my life is going. Which, as it was so lovingly put today, is, "What, no direction at all?"

I looked down at a newspaper with an ad that read, "Tired of the direction in which your life is going? Join the space program!" Now, isn't that unusual. But it just got moreso. As the dream progresses, I decide to sign up for a space mission to some far-away planet, in order to colonize it. The strange part is the realism of it, because I seriously, honestly, was into doing this. But in real life, while the idea of such an undertaking is wonderful and something I'd really love to do, I never could. One big reason: I'm chickenshit. That gets in my way a lot. I have a big problem making big, life-altering decisions now, because I usually get too scared in the end to follow through, and I back out.

I remember when I was different. When, if an adventure was put in front of me, I'd jump in with both feet and a camera. But no more. I don't know what's changed in me, but I don't like it.

I think that's one reason why I'm feeling all right about this new decision to move. Because I realize that it's time for a drastic change. Otherwise, I don't see how I can continue for much longer.

Rachel, Kathryn, Megan, Jackie, and Carl are all in the living room, laughing their asses off to a horrible b-flick, and even though I'm not there watching it with them, there's something oddly comforting in the giggling at something so stupid.

g'night, all.

PS: All of you go check out these websites: a small victory and deviant. They're both too cool for words.

Entry last modified: April 16, 2006 at 6:36 pm.

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