I have made a Life Altering Decision(TM) tonight. I've decided that on my next day off, I'm going out and getting three lesbian pornos, a copy of Playboy and a copy of Maxim, and I'm going to sit in the living room and force myself to masturbate to all of it.

And the scary part is that I'm only half joking.

I talked to Eddie tonight. Because I have to get closure in everything I do, otherwise I sit around and go, "well, what if i do this or say this or give him that or wear this next time or what if i call or what if i go over to his house or what if i email him or write him a letter or what if what if what if what if?" And I go crazy from it, slowly. So he came online and I figured I'd at least see if he'd give me any sort of excuse for ditching me. And he didn't. We got into a fight, of sorts. Because he only wants to have sex and I'm growing tired of that.

So in the end he's going away and I'm feeling pretty pissed off at the entire population of humans with penises. Even the trannies. I hate you fuckers too.

So pissed off that I'm actually considering doing something with a girl, a thought that I actually find as intriguing as frightening. I've been discussing all this with Rachel, and it doesn't make me ill as it usually does. I mean, I've never actually experimented with a girl before. The most I've ever done is kiss one. So it could be that I might not mind it as much as I think I will.

However, the thought of sleeping with a girl terrifies me. Because I've built a good majourity of my life around the notion that I'm only attracted to guys. And it would be pretty difficult to have that foundation change.

I dunno… I guess I'm not really comfortable discussing this. Because for all my openness when it comes to sex, I'm still very inhibited and uncomfortable with it. UGH.

In other Josh news, I talked to Evil Kyle today. I know none of you know who he is, chances are, but it's a pretty big deal for me. And it seems that he wants to get back together with me. This was my most turmulous relationship, by far. He and I fight like hell, but he's also one of the few people that I've managed to keep in my life (even though a good bit of time has passed between us in silence.) I've known him since I was fourteen, which is a long time for me to keep someone around me. And while I'm still fairly surprised at the new Evil Kyle's behaviour (namely the wanting to get back together when I've always been the one wanting that, and he's been against it), I don't really know how I feel about the idea. I guess… I'm in a strange state of mind right now.

Very strange. Hell, I'm considering sleeping with a girl.

I must be nuts.

Afterthought: Won't my mother be estatic. "I knew it was just a phase!" Sigh.

got a long taxi ride,
got a long taxi ride

31 July 2002 at 12:43 am | No Comments »
bitching

I had a very surreal dream today, before I woke up. In it, I was talking to my mother. For some reason she was dying, but before she left she had to tell me something vital to some mission/quest I was performing at the time, and this information would help me with it. She told me that in the days priour to my birth, she'd been attacked by a hospital orderly who wanted to cut me out of her and use me for some bizarre ritual. He had to use me because I apparently had some characteristic that this ritual required. His attack failed, however, and he spent the rest of his life in a mental institution under tight guard. My mother kept telling me that he was better now, though, which was something unlike her because she's not an extremely forgiving person, especially in matters like that.

It was just very odd, and when I woke up it was to the sound of the telephone ringing, because my mother was calling.

However, I came within inches of having a serious fight with my father today. My mother called on his behalf to see if I was home, because he wanted to take the bicycle they'd loaned me back. So I got pissed off and asked why, because this bike is my sole source of transportation, and she handed the phone to him because she knew I was about to get angry. He told me he needed it back so he could exercise, but in actuality he wants the bike back in order to extend his control over me.

A couple of days ago I mentioned to them that I'd been looking for a new job, and I asked them if they would be able to drive me to a job in New Orleans if I could pay for gas and such. My mom said sure, but my father told me that he'd only be willing to do it if I would allow him to teach me how to drive. Now, this is an ongoing fight that my dad and I have. He wouldn't teach me how to drive while I lived with him, but now that I'm outside of their home he's all adament that I learn. And because of all the accidents I've been in lately, I'm not comfortable being in a car, much less driving one. So I keep telling him that I'm not interested, but he won't take that as my final answer.

So, he wants to take the bike from me in order to force me to go to him and ask him to teach me how to drive. But, as I informed him today, that would not happen, and if he wanted his bike back he could take it, but I wasn't going to play into his "plan." He got pissed off and told me that I could use it "for the time being," but he'd need it back soon. And then he hung up.

Just when I begin to think that he's actually grown up as an individual, he does something to disprove my hopes.

Anyway, I've started experimenting with techno music. I've never really tried to make it before, except as a joke, and I'm kindof pleased with the results I'm having. I've been doing this all day and I've come up with one song that I'm enjoying right now. Again, as soon as I get any of this stuff finished, there'll be downloads to send out!

But for now I'm gonna run away. I've still got work to do. G'night!

30 July 2002 at 8:59 pm | No Comments »
dreams, the daily things

Today has been much better for me. I went around last night after finally receiving our phone bill and I added up everything I have to spend and everything I have to save and everything that goes to the soul-less monopoly companies. And, unlesss something strange and unexpected happens, I should just barely have enough for bills this month. So that makes me feel much more relieved. I'm going to get an ulcer, I swear.

In other news, I am pretty sick. I think the not eating's finally caught up with me. Heh. I would've called out sick today, but they had nobody else to take care of the birthday party, and I always feel guilty abandoning them. I've missed only three days or so since I've been working there, because I hate to leave them short-handed. Plus, I need the money. So I sucked it up and saved all my energy for the party, when the pep would spill out from my body. Snark.

Also, I found a notebook today that had been stashed god knows where. This was a great discovery for me, because it housed a lot of the "sheet music" that I had created for some of my old songs. I could've cried, because I was afraid I'd lost all of that stuff. It used to reside on my computer at my parents' house, but when I moved out they formatted the harddrive and sold it. They tell me they didn't know I had anything important on there (while I did; every song I'd written pretty much, all of my poetry and other writing typed up, though at least I've got hard copies of most of that, graphics i'd done, etc. It was a detrimental loss to my artistic side and for a while I was really really violently upset that I'd lost it all. I still don't really forgive them for being that insensitive, but we all know how I can get about my parents.), but I really think they did it out of petty spite. But anyway, I found the transcriptions for most of the songs, so that's good. I've spent the afternoon/night rebuilding most of them and relearning the older ones, and I'm just so happy to be immersed within my creativity again.

I've felt much better today for a bunch of reasons, except I can't put my finger on any of them. The sun seems a little bit brighter in my world, and that's a good thing to feel.

Anyway, now that I've got these songs to work on, and I have a fairly decent recording studio built up in my room now, that means that as soon as I get one of these babies finished, I'll put it online for you guys to hear.

I'm gonna get to meet a friend of mine tomorrow in real life, so I'm pretty excited about that. His name's Joe, and he reads my journal almost as neurotically as I do, so I know he sees this and I wish he could see my cheesy smile.

more pictures of me with phone and scary hairTo conclude, everybody go read michele's website, cos she's doing the blogathon thing, and she's gotta stay up for another nine hours before she'll be done. So give her your support, blog comments, sexual favours, mixed cds, etc. Or just IM her and let her know she's great!

G'night folks. I'll be back tomorrow, same bat-time.

27 July 2002 at 10:24 pm | No Comments »
shutterbugs, the daily things

Rachel and I went to the grocery store earlier this afternoon. I wasn't buying anything for myself, since I am po', but Rachel wanted me to cook her dinner so she insisted on buying stuff for Jackie and I to eat. Anyway, whilst we were browsing the items in the store, we wandered down the beverages aisle, and I saw this and had to make her buy it:

Isn't it absolutely wonderful? It's an energy drink that's supposed to be shaped like a bullet, but it looks like a penis. In fact, the fucker was eight inches long. Yes, I measured it. It's really thick though, so I wouldn't be able to enjoy it any. Wink.

Anyway, I found out today that I have to work on my blasted day off. At least it's only three hours, and I can use the money. But I need to go to sleep, since I have work incredibly early tomorrow, and I've also got to do a party. Big pah on that. G'night.

sights and sounds
pull me back down another year
I was here

27 July 2002 at 12:30 am | No Comments »
shutterbugs

My sister had her period for the first time today. Ugh. I can't start telling you how badly that freaks me out. Almost as much as when I realized she was growing breasts. It makes me acutely uncomfortable, really. Because she's growing up. She's twelve now, but tomorrow she'll be thirteen and next week she'll be my age.

And it makes me uncomfortable.

I've made this realization a couple weeks ago, but I haven't felt like verbalizing it very much lately. My sister is growing up to be me.

She's going through the same amount of strife, of inner turmoul, of outer turmoul, that I did at the same time in my life. It makes me very, very upset. Because I tried my best to protect her from that, and it worries me that I've failed. I talk to her and I see how sensitive and insightful she is. How open to the world she is right now.

And I was too, then. And then I got hurt. I got burned. From Kyle, from my parents. From other factours that I don't want to talk about. It's amazing how fast a person can recoil from pain when it hits them in that time period where every force in the universe is flowing through their body/mind.

I got hit then, and I recoiled. And I guess it should've done more damage to me than it did, but I survived. Eventually I rebuilt myself. It took me a long, long time, and for a while I wondered if I would get better. But I did.

The thing is, I have a turtle shell, as my father calls it. My skin is thick and leathery. Not literally, but you know what I mean. I survived going through that at such a young age because I have body armour. The problem is, I don't know if my sister has it too. I'm afraid that she's going to follow me down the same road and when she gets hurt she won't be able to survive.

I read in the newspaper that the age of the average suicide is getting younger and younger. I mean, there has to be a reason for that. Something has to be causing this. And I worry for my sister, because I see so much of how I used to be in her. And I want to spare her from the pain that I've had to deal with in life, but I can't. I'm not superman. I want to protect her and shelter her but I know that the only way she's going to evolve is to go through that shit.

It's so sad to realize that the way life is constructed forces a person to get hurt in order to make themselves stronger. "What doesn't kill you," and everything. And while I know that she's gonna have to go through life and fall down along the way in order to build up her strength and resolve, it worries me. Because I am afraid that it will destroy her.

Perhaps I'm not giving her as much credit as I should. And I've totally pulled myself off of the track that I was on before.

I know that in order for her to grow she has to be let out into the sunlight. But why is it so hard to let her go?

25 July 2002 at 11:37 pm | No Comments »
introspection, shutterbugs

Had a pretty shitty day, but thankfully it was the end (at least I hope) to the shit of yesterday. Okay, here's a breakdown. Our McDonalds is up for evaluation or something like that. So this anal-retentive bitch from "McDonalds headquarters" comes in and evaluates how we run the store.

In this case, "evaluating" meant standing in front of me for seven hours timing every order I took. EVERY order. She timed how long it took me to take the order, get their money and change, give them their food, then move on to the next customer. It was only nerve wracking in the beginning.

Needless to say, I've been stressed out. Couple that with working two ten hour shifts with this woman and you have a real mess. Yes, yes. It means more money for me. But more money is irrelevent when you have to pay as much on bills and rent as I do. I work my ass off, I come home tired and drained of everything, and I still have barely enough money for anything (and I don't know how anything will be paid this month) and, to top it off, we have no food. No groceries at all. Jackie and I ate instant mashed potatoes from a bag of food-bank food I remembered my mom gave us when we moved in.

It makes me want to start crying, really. But I'm going back to the "my life is so unfair" rant, and I just can't take that right now. I need a new job but I can't find one, and I'm almost broken enough to give in and apply for the shitty job in a restaurant near my house that pays a dollar more than I make right now. But the work will be worse. Sigh. I don't know. Something will happen, I guess, because it seems that my soul is one that will be forever dipped into shit and pulled out just before I drown in it. What was that proverb in the bible? Was Jove (Jobe?) the guy who had lots of crap all through his life just cos God was testing him?

I don't remember; it's been an incredibly long time since I've actually looked at a bible, christian or otherwise. I'm just so tired and frustrated and looking for a way out, but nothing's there. I'm all alone in the darkness.

"There were people, some people
Who broke the string for me
And so
This place is now a sad place for me,
Because the string is broken."

I did do something pretty new, however. I had some time earlier in the week and I sat in front of my keyboard and started playing. I used to do this a lot. I would set the computer to start recording and I would record whatever mess came up out of my hands, unedited, and then I'd play it back later. Just to see what I did.

This time, though, I set up a cheesy drum track more for the purposes of keeping timing than anything else. And I started recording with that in the background. I like what I produced. Enough to offer you the shitty MIDI file that I made:

Sailing on a Broken Cloud.mid - 15kb, (2:56 long)

I am aware that the title is ridiculous and video-game-esque, but the song lends itself pretty well to it. That midi is the original recording. I didn't do anything to it at all, except erase one note where I'd hit a key by accident. Other than that, I left all the other mistakes in (as I'm sure you can hear.) If the MIDI doesn't work, sorry. You're welcome to email me and I'll let you know if I can do anything for you.

However, I think I'm going to go to sleep now. I've got work again tomorrow, and I'm not free again until Sunday. But I don't even know if I'm free then, either.

Ugh. Somebody, somewhere, please do something….

24 July 2002 at 10:22 pm | No Comments »
bitching, music

I feel a marginal amount better, even though work today was shitty. And it will be shitty again tomorrow. I want a new job so desperately. I need to get paid more. So that I can pay my bills AND buy groceries. Not have to pick between the two. But everything sucks, and nobody wants to hire me because I'm a minor. Pah.

Eddie never called or came over or anything. So I guess I won't see him again. While that upsets me some, I guess it's good. Because I was developing feelings for him too quickly, and while I rarely have that problem, I realize that it's better to get him out of my life before I get attached and get hurt when he doesn't feel the same way.

However, in a moment of sluttiness I went out with somebody else that same night as the last journal entry. We didn't have sex, and insted just ended up cuddling until we fell asleep. A rather interesting way to meet somebody, I imagine. But he seemed nice, and I hope to see him again. We're supposed to meet up this weekend for lunch. I hope so. We'll see.

But sometimes I wonder if perhaps it would be best for my spiritual evolution if I just leave boys alone for a little while. Sigh. Maybe after this try.

Maybe after one more try…

someday we'll all be gone
but lullabies go on and on
they never die, that's how you and I
will be

23 July 2002 at 11:51 pm | No Comments »
shutterbugs, the daily things

I find myself depressed again. Not over Kent or ex-boyfriends, but Eddie. I was supposed to spend the night at his house tonight. And his failure to get in touch with me seems to mean that maybe it didn't rank very highly in his list of priorities.

Ofcourse I really have no idea, because all week I've both been looking forward to spending the weekend with him, and freaking out over it. Looking forward to it for the obvious reasons, but scared because each morning I wake up with an increased feeling of insecurity over this. I'm not sure about this, because it's rare when I doubt my self-worth. It's rare when I find myself concerned over whether or not somebody else likes me.

But I think I'm falling for Eddie far more rapidly than I expected to, and knowing that he does not plan on reciprocating that is scaring me. I'm not used to this, frankly.

I find myself attractive. I always have, but that's because I have confidence in myself. I don't know where my turtle shell came from, but it's something I've possessed for as long as I can remember. I've never compromised myself for the sake of someone else's opinion or favour.

I know other people find me attractive, because to this date I have only met one gay guy who ever told me he didn't think I was cute. That would be ego-inflating if I gave a fuck. So I know I'm attractive. I know I possess assets that other people think are sexy and I know I'd be a great fucking boyfriend. If I wanted to be a boyfriend right now.

However. I am slowly convincing myself that he's gotten bored with me. He did nothing at all to put that in my head until today, but the thought has been there all week. The worry has been there all week.

So much that I even had a dream about it. It made me really ill for some reason. I'm not looking to date him. I'm not interested in that. However, I find myself very frightened and unhappy with the thought of being cast off for something better. And I suppose that today when he never called I let that fear I've been living in all week take control and I didn't do much to fight it. I called him back once. We were supposed to spend the night together and we didn't, and while that upsets me I'm also relieved in the same breath, because I can say, "Oh, see, you were right, he doesn't want you anymore." And I don't know if that's true, and it might not be. It might be that he was just busy, like he said he was. But regardless, I guess he's gone now.

That is why I'm depressed. Because I don't know if I will ever be able to have a healthy relationship again. My perceptions of them have been so skewed post-Kent that right now I realize all Eddie was is a fuck-buddy, and I didn't have much of a problem with that.

I don't like that. I find myself slowly slipping into something I don't want to become. I find myself just barely a few rungs above the club-kids and the bar-flies on the ladder of sluttiness. I feel like I'm one more bad experience away from taking up a drug/drinking habit and just giving in totally to my Scorpian sex-drive.

This is what they call a mid-life crisis, I think. I'm having my fucking mid-life crisis at seventeen. I don't think this is fair, and I know I've harped on this before but fuck. At seventeen I'm supposed to be in school, I'm supposed to be dating a normal person, I'm supposed to be able to fucking drive, I'm supposed to be preparing myself for graduation and college, I'm supposed to be happy and have a part-time or summer job. I'm not supposed to be working nearly fifty hours a week and still not making enough to pay my bills. I'm not supposed to have bills, except maybe for a phone of some sort.

Yeah, I know, that's idealistic. At seventeen a good majourity of kids are likely going through the same shit as I am. I realize that. I realize that this world is a shitty, pathetic place. I realize that I'm probably lucky to have bills to pay as opposed to living under a bridge. I realize that I am lucky to at least be middle class.

But fuck all of that. It's still not fair. Other people are other people, and in this moment I just want to be selfish for once. I so rarely let myself do that. Rarely do I allow myself to be selfish. But right now, I want to be. And I don't want to hear about how it's just as unfair for everyone else, and I'm not special.

I am fucking special.

And right now I just want to be held. That's all. I want to be held because I've got tears, real, fucking genuine tears rolling down my face, and that upsets me because I haven't cried in forever. I couldn't even cry when Kent broke up with me. I couldn't even cry when I found out he'd likely gone and killed himself. I couldn't cry then, and I think all those tears are coming out now.

So right now I just want to be held, and I just want to be told that somehow everything will be all right. Somehow I'll figure something out and somehow I'll pull myself up out of this shitpile. But nobody's here right now to tell me that, not even the random sex-fling I could have. I don't even have someone to fabricate feeling sorry for me.

Sigh. I just needed to get that down. I write in here more than in my real journal, now. But I needed to say something, if only so my ears eyes could receive it.

I do feel better now. And I guess I will make everything all right.

It seems I always do.

22 July 2002 at 2:11 am | No Comments »
introspection

And, like I figured I would, I felt much better after a night of sleep. I got up pretty early and made myself productive; I went around and cleaned and then suddenly got the urge to go down to a salon and get my hair cut. I can vaguely understand now why flighty blonde girls do this on a regular basis. It's actually kindof fun.

Anyway, the results of the excursion are here right now, for your pornographic enjoyment:

I like it. Now that the hairdye's run out a bit, I really like my hair this colour.

Friday night we (Jackie, me, Kat, Rachel, and our friend David) all went out to this Indian restaurant. It was pretty good, even though I don't like spicy food. But there was this really funny sign at the entrance of the place that amused me enough to photograph:

What amuses me is that they specifically mention Tuesday as being a day in which they'd be open. I dunno, maybe people from India have some holiday on Tuesday or something. Shrug. And in the final photo in my graphic essay, a picture of Jackie losing her mind:

She's been wearing those things all day. Fights you if you try to take them off. The goose.

I downloaded Tori Amos' new song a sorta fairytale last night, and it made me cry uncontrollably because of the lyrics, and what yesterday was. Sigh. I can't wait for this cd.

Anyway, I'm leaving. Eddie and I are supposed to be going out tonight, so I've gotta get ready. G'night.

21 July 2002 at 9:50 pm | No Comments »
shutterbugs

Today is Kent's birthday. And as of right now I feel pretty depressed. I've been bouncing back and forth all day, but right now I'm sad. Not for him, really. Not for the fact that he's dead, that he decided that he could just be a chickenshit and take the easy way out of life. Not that he thought he was bigger than anything and didn't have to deal with it. No, I'm not sad for him.

If you can't tell, I'm angry for him.

The thing that I'm depressed about is the fact that I allowed it to happen. That I spent two years with him and all I have to show for it is a severe aversion to relationships. Mental scarring that despite my best effourts I have been unable to handle.

A year has passed since I saw him last. Almost a year since he killed himself has gone by. And I still don't think I've completely handled this.

Sigh. I'm having a hard time trying to handle this. And I wonder if I have any right in feeling sorry for myself or getting depressed about this.

And I'm having trouble bringing this entry to any sort of close.

I miss him. I do. But sometimes, like now, I wonder why. I had it worded to me really well tonight. Sortof made me stop breathing when I read it and realized that it fit how I felt very well. Maybe I loved just to love.

But I am rambling and not making a whole lot of sense to anyone. I'll be fine tomorrow. After I've slept. After I've had time to heal, I suppose. Goodnight.

on my way up north
up on the ventura
I pulled back the hood
and I was talking to you
and I knew then it would be
a life long thing
but I didn't know that we
we could break a silver lining
and I'm so sad
like a good book I can't put this
day back
a sorta fairytale with you

20 July 2002 at 11:57 pm | No Comments »
introspection