I have made a Life Altering Decision(TM) tonight. I've decided that on my next day off, I'm going out and getting three lesbian pornos, a copy of Playboy and a copy of Maxim, and I'm going to sit in the living room and force myself to masturbate to all of it.

And the scary part is that I'm only half joking.

I talked to Eddie tonight. Because I have to get closure in everything I do, otherwise I sit around and go, "well, what if i do this or say this or give him that or wear this next time or what if i call or what if i go over to his house or what if i email him or write him a letter or what if what if what if what if?" And I go crazy from it, slowly. So he came online and I figured I'd at least see if he'd give me any sort of excuse for ditching me. And he didn't. We got into a fight, of sorts. Because he only wants to have sex and I'm growing tired of that.

So in the end he's going away and I'm feeling pretty pissed off at the entire population of humans with penises. Even the trannies. I hate you fuckers too.

So pissed off that I'm actually considering doing something with a girl, a thought that I actually find as intriguing as frightening. I've been discussing all this with Rachel, and it doesn't make me ill as it usually does. I mean, I've never actually experimented with a girl before. The most I've ever done is kiss one. So it could be that I might not mind it as much as I think I will.

However, the thought of sleeping with a girl terrifies me. Because I've built a good majourity of my life around the notion that I'm only attracted to guys. And it would be pretty difficult to have that foundation change.

I dunno… I guess I'm not really comfortable discussing this. Because for all my openness when it comes to sex, I'm still very inhibited and uncomfortable with it. UGH.

In other Josh news, I talked to Evil Kyle today. I know none of you know who he is, chances are, but it's a pretty big deal for me. And it seems that he wants to get back together with me. This was my most turmulous relationship, by far. He and I fight like hell, but he's also one of the few people that I've managed to keep in my life (even though a good bit of time has passed between us in silence.) I've known him since I was fourteen, which is a long time for me to keep someone around me. And while I'm still fairly surprised at the new Evil Kyle's behaviour (namely the wanting to get back together when I've always been the one wanting that, and he's been against it), I don't really know how I feel about the idea. I guess… I'm in a strange state of mind right now.

Very strange. Hell, I'm considering sleeping with a girl.

I must be nuts.

Afterthought: Won't my mother be estatic. "I knew it was just a phase!" Sigh.

got a long taxi ride,
got a long taxi ride

Entry last modified: April 26, 2006 at 1:27 pm.

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