I did it again. I didn't exactly mean to this time; it just sortof happened. I stayed up all night. Thankfully, this time, I don't have to work until nine PM. Only five. And I managed to keep myself awake until nearly seven last time, so I know I'll make it. I've just been too conscious to sleep today. I have been greeted by a muse at last and I'm drumming with some strange creative energy that hasn't visited me in a long, long time. I plan on leaving for work early so I can stop off at the lake and write in my journal before I head off. I've been playing the piano all morning, and I also played around with my camera. So all in all I think I've turned that melancholy into something nicer. About time.

I can't be near you, the lie just radiates…

30 August 2002 at 8:07 am | No Comments »
shutterbugs, the daily things

I knew this was going to happen. I didn't say anything, but to those who've known me long enough to have been with me when I've gone through it before know what was coming up. That all my composure a few hours ago was mearly a spot of serenity before all the emotion hit me full-force. You knew it was coming. I did too. And now it's here.

As a warning, Kyle broke up with me tonight. Via email, no less. But I don't hold him at fault for it, because I expected it. I think I expected this to happen before we even dated. I expected it the second he brought the topic up. Because he's done it before.

Okay. I'm going to attempt coherency. But this is already shaping up to be a stream-of-consciousness type deal, and I'm trying hard to be clear.

There's this thing I have. I imagine it stems back to some psychological trauma (I've so many to choose from….) that I experienced, but I still haven't really been able to figure it out.

I can't cry. Anymore, at least. I tried to think of the last time I cried and the only memory that comes to mind is a fight I had with my father. I was living in Slidell and for some stupid reason or other he was threatening to call the police to bring me back to live with them (cos at the time I was living with the Lesbians.) as a punishment for me. Can you comprehend that? Forcing me to live with them was punishment for me. In that moment I realized totally and fully how fucked up my parents were, and as I was on the phone with my father, him yelling at me, I cried. Silently. Tears fell down my face. And that was all.

That was the last time I cried. And I haven't been able to do it since. Sometimes when something emotionally strong enough happens to merit it, I tear up. My eyes water, the tears come, my nose stuffs up and my breathing hitches in that classic way. But that's all that happens. The tears sit in my eyes stuck behind some psychological barrier and refuse to fall. And I lie like that. It usually happens at night when I'm asleep and the last sounds of everything around me stop. It only happens when I'm alone. I lie like that for a little while, usually about an hour, and then I try to force it. But it doesn't work, I just get angry because it makes no sense.

Crying is supposed to be a releasing activity, but I can't do it. And whenever I fail I feel all that pain and hurt and sadness welled up behind the action, waiting for just one teardrop to fall, and then it'll all be freed. But I can't get that escape.

I don't even cry for pain anymore. When I was hit by that ford explorer and flung almost to the other side of the street, I totally detached from myself. I could barely walk, the pain was horrible. But I didn't cry. I had to be carried to the sidewalk and then carried into the car that took me home, because it hurt that badly to stand on my leg. But I didn't cry.

And that seems fucked up to me.

Anyway, the point of all of that was to explain that half an hour ago I was lying in bed experiencing the same thing happens every time I feel this sort of melancholy. I don't think I was crying about Kyle, because for the most part I am cool with the breakup. I didn't expect it to work out, even though I wanted it too beyond anything else. But since I didn't expect to overcome his relationship phobias, I didn't throw myself in head-first. And that's why I'm not hurt.

I think I was crying (and I use that term because it's easier than trying to give a name to whatever it is I really do) for my general all-around hatred at the universe on the relationship front. Because it never seems to work out. Yet, unlike Kyle, I can't really let that stand in my way. No relationship I've had has worked out or ended happily. Yet I plow on through, impervious to being hurt. In fact, I've only ever broken up with one boyfriend. The rest have always dumped me. Because I know that everything will always work out. And it always has. Boyfriend A tells me that he's scared of dating because he can't do this, is afraid of that, and I tell him have faith.

I think I have stumbled upon the real problem here. Nobody wants to have faith in anything. In me, in whatever force they pray to, nothing. People say they're religious and claim to be so, but in the long-run they refuse to fucking let themselves be taken care of. And I guess I'm saved from that because for the most part I've got faith in the universe. It has proven to me again and again that I'm safe when I trust it.

And this entry is quickly becoming a theological essay.

I just feel like shit. And I expected this too, because that's also what always happens after a breakup. I'm fine for a few hours, then it hits me, and then I get depressed. But I guess I'll be alright and the healing time for this (ha) won't be too long, because Kyle and I are still friends and this time we're ending on happy terms. At least on my part.

I just don't understand any of it. And I know if I say "no more dating!" then tomorrow somebody else will come along and catch my fancy. I guess I have to really say that I'm relieved. Because I am fully aware of the number of admirers I have, and I don't have to feel guilty for indulging them now. In my head, at least.

don't ask me how
it didn't take much to figure out
and you know I'll go acting really tough
giving back your stuff
I know it's time, I know it's time
it's suddenly strange
I can hardly complain
I'm down the stairs, I'm out the door
it's suddenly colder
it bowled me right over
I'm down again, I suppose it's over now

30 August 2002 at 5:29 am | No Comments »
bitching

hey. I know you didn't write me or anything yet, but it's nearly five in the morning and I've been lying in bed for nearly an hour thinking about things. and it took Jackie to make me realize that maybe I have been an asshole to you. I disagreed with her in the beginning but as I've spent so much time running over every day spent with you, I realize that she was right.

I am too demanding. I ask a lot of everybody and it rarely matters to me when my standards are too high for them to deliver. but it matters to me with you. I asked a lot of you and I realize that total attention 24/7 isn't going to be possible. as much as I want it, I know you have to have your space. and I'm just sorry I've driven you this far away, less than a week before we would've been together a month.

I'm sorry for snapping at you. I do realize the pressures that you're under, and I do realize how hard it is for you to get to see me. I appreciate the effourt that you make to do it, and I appreciate the effort Joanna and Ariel and Will have made to provide it. your time with me does mean a lot. it's ridiculously important to me.

I'm now all gung-ho about the GED thing. when, less than a month ago, it didn't factour all that high on my list of current priorities. and that's because of you. I know I bitch and bitch about the help, but deep down, I love it more than I let on. because it lets me know that you care and are concerned about my well-being.

I was so deathly afraid of fucking things up again this time, Kyle, that I guess I overreacted and pushed too hard. in the words of Jackie, "Maybe you're being a little too intense. Maybe you should treat him like a bunny that's about to run away." and that simple little allusion makes sense.

I do realize how your past interactions with boyfriends have made you scared of things. but I'm not them, Kyle. I never was. I will not do to you the things they did. you've no reason to be scared on my behalf. if I haven't proven that to you then I don't know what I can do. I'll never hurt you like that. ever. you're safe with me, and I hope you know that.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for getting pissed off at you, because I know how tough things are for you right now and the kindof stress you have to deal with. school wasn't that far away for me, remember? I haven't forgotten it. I still want to be your boyfriend, and I just hope that it's not too late to tell you that.

I just hope it's not too late to matter.

I'll give you a call tomorrow after I get home from work (around ten) unless you don't want me to. if you still want space I'll respect that. and you don't have to make up things in order to get it next time. I'll give you time to yourself and only yourself if that's what you want in the moment. always.

I care about you a lot, Kyle. And I hope, hope that it's not too late to say that. Goodnight.

-josh

29 August 2002 at 4:58 am | No Comments »
the daily things

Jeremy*: hello joshua
Jeremy: congrats on ur new freelance job
burns like dust: thanks.
Jeremy: makes me happy to hear u havent fucked ur life completley
Jeremy: 90% fuckage is ok
burns like dust: you're one to judge.
Jeremy: i plan on going to college
Jeremy: ur so smart but u work at mc donalds
burns like dust: so do i.
burns like dust: don't knock mcdonalds. do it, then you can judge.
burns like dust: it's hard fucking work.
Jeremy: just taking a 4 year break?
Jeremy: but u get paid 5 an hour?
Jeremy: hard wiork
Jeremy: no pay
burns like dust: six twenty five an hour.
Jeremy: ooo!
Jeremy: silly me
burns like dust: excuse me, idiot. 5.15 is minimum wage.
burns like dust: and you're very unlikely to find something higher than that.
Jeremy: so u get 1 dollar more then 12 year olds!
Jeremy: i planned on living off of you!
Jeremy: now look at this!
Jeremy: I GOTTA WORK!!
burns like dust: i'm going to block you now, because you've no idea how the real world is. when you actually have to experience some of the shit i've gone through in my life, then you have a basis to judge.
burns like dust: goodnight.
Jeremy signed off at 9:18:43 PM.
*screenames have been changed to prevent website viewers from communicating with family members.

That was a conversation I had with my brother a couple hours ago. I don't know why I have him on my list, much less on perpetual block. Because, in the few instances a week he makes the effort to contact me, he always acts like that. Idiotic, immature, annoying.

In some respects, I can't stand my brother even more than my father. And I've still never been able to understand it. Maybe it's because I resent him for his constant insults over the fact that I'm gay. That not one word that has ever come out of his mouth and directed at me has ever been anything but insulting. Ever. And he's only fifteen.

I talked to Kyle and nothing is resolved and that's why I'm transferring all of my anger and general annoyance at the world onto this issue that holds little bearing right now. But it's because I don't want to talk about Kyle. And I don't think I will. Not until there's resolution of one way or the other. Because you're all getting a biased opinion of him due to the fact that I'm so annoyed with him right now.

So, whatever. Different topic.

I got goofy and made a hot or not account cos of a friend's suggestion. So you all have to go and vote obscenely, to make me feel good about myself through this binary media. But the account won't be active until tomorrow. And that's when you'll get the link.

Goodnight, children.

Oh, ps. The freelance job that my brother was referring to was the fact that now I'm gonna get to write for XY magazine on a monthly basis. Which makes me want to giggle. But g'night.

29 August 2002 at 1:58 am | No Comments »
chatlogs, the daily things

• Heather Nova
  ("Siren")
  You need to download Flash if you see this message.

kiss your lashes, kiss you low
I'm driven to you like the driven snow
there's a place for us to lie
for every lover there's a piece of sky

to every life a light that shines
to every heart a beat that's true
baby you're my yellow summer
baby you're my winterblue

you know that this was meant to be
long ago a hundred years from now
tossing on an open sea
love so good it's easy to go down

to every life a light that shines
to every heart a beat that's true
baby you're my yellow summer
baby you're my winterblue

love you like a jungle fever
I'll never never never, I'll never leave you
through every vein and every fibre
I'll never never never, I'll never leave you

to every life a light that shines
to every heart a beat that's true
baby you're my yellow summer
baby you're my winterblue

28 August 2002 at 10:20 pm | No Comments »
soundtrack

Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Click.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Kyle."

"Oh, hey. How're you doing?"

"Groan. I've had a shitty day."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"It's okay. So, are we going out tonight?"

Pause. "Uh, Joanna [Kyle's friend who always drives him everywhere.] is about to crash, so I don't know."

Long pause. "Then we're not getting together?"

"I don't see how…."

Even longer pause.

"What?"

"Nothing, Kyle."

"Listen, I'll talk to you later—"

"Yeah, whatever." Click.

I wait a couple seconds. Fuming. He did it again. Tonight meant so much to me and he did it again. I was so incredibly angry. But I didn't want to stay mad. I wanted to call him back. So I did.

Ring. Ring. Click.

"Hello?"

"I didn't want to call you back. I'm mad, and hurt, and maybe you didn't realize how much I was looking forward to this—" Click.

The bastard did it. He did the one thing that above all else I do not tolerate. He hung up in my face.

So I'm still so unbelievably pissed off at him. I had to sit still for several minutes after I called him because I knew if I even thought about what he'd done, I would break something. And I'm still just now getting control over that rage. Three cups of tea later. I wrote him an email, because I was so mad that I didn't trust myself to talk to him again.

"you hurt me beyond words tonight. not because this is the second time in as many days that you've stood me up, not because I've been looking forward to what was supposed to happen tonight all week, not because this was the only bright spot I had in this week of shit. no, because you had the fucking -nerve- to hang up in my face. for future reference, this is your only chance in that area. if you ever do that to me again, I will not contact you further.

"that is the singlemost rudest thing you could have ever done, and it will not happen to me again, kyle. if you didn't want to hear what I had to say, then you should've told me.

"as it was, I called you back because I felt sorry for hanging up with you the first time on a bad note. I called you back because I wanted to apologise, because I know that the past couple of days have been stressful for you, because I realize how hard it is moving out of one place and into another. and I know how insane it'll be for you due to starting college. but nothing that's happened to you merited the display of immaturity that you showed me tonight, nor will anything -ever- happen to you to make that all right.

"tonight I don't want to talk to you. because I'm mad, because you upset me. tomorrow I would like you to call me. whenever, I don't care. I'll be home all day. but I want you to know this for the future. I'm not going to wait around to be stood up by you again. I'm not going to pass up another set of plans just on the off-chance that I might do something with you, only to have it not happen. yeah, I know, you're reliant upon your friends. you don't drive. I know. but you always have an excuse, and it always hurts, because I don't get to see as much of you as I want to.

"please don't tell me we're going to do something if it's not going to pan out. because you've no notion of how badly I wanted to see you today. you've no notion of how horrible -my- day was, and how much I wanted to see you because you always make me feel better. you've no idea of how much I've wanted to sleep next to you since we first started this fucking relationship. so yeah, I'm really hurt.

"but you can call me tomorrow. i'll talk to you then. i hope you have a good first day of classes. i hope you have a good day in general. i'm sorry for getting pissed off at you, but that still doesn't excuse what you did tonight. but whatever. this closing is supposed to be un-pissed. please call me tomorrow.

"goodnight, kyle. sleep well."

I want to hit him, frankly. Hit him until he realizes that I'm tired of his excuses. That he shouldn't make a plan with me if he's not going to keep to it. Whatever the reasons for why he's ditching me. Tonight meant so fucking much to me, because it was going to be the first night since we've started dating that we've spent the night together, because before he's always been unable to. I was looking forward to this like nobody's business.

And instead I'm sitting at home, angry beyond words. I want to kick ass.

But I'm probably just going to bitch until two in the morning and drink my fourth cup of tea. Goodnight.

28 August 2002 at 12:22 am | No Comments »
the daily things

Kyle and I had our first argument tonight.

Over the phone.

And I was pissed. Bloody, fucking pissed. Even moreso before I actually called him, though. I was reasonably calm during the fight, surprisingly, considering I live to argue and the more out-of-control and attention-getting one is, the better.

Okay. Kyle was supposed to call me at ten tonight. Because we had plans. Now, Kyle is classically unreliable as a person. I have a huge problem with that. If somebody says they'll call at a certain time, they damn well better call at that time. And few excuses are sufficient to relieve them of that.

Kyle never calls me when he says he will. If he says he'll call at a certain time, I'll likely hear from him an hour and a half later.

Except tonight, we were supposed to go out. Because we had plans. He was supposed to call me at ten. And I waited until nearly midnight, getting more and more angry all the time, before I got online. And got an email that he'd sent me two seconds (practically) before I got online. And he said that he'd forgotten his cell phone at home (he was at his dorm room) which had my number in it, and he couldn't call.

So I was less angry. Less. He left me the number to his room, so I called there. And we argued. Because I was pissed, and felt no need for tact, really.

But the arguement wasn't very bad. I mean, in the grande scope of Josh arguements, it wasn't very bad. I enjoy fighting with people, but somehow I kept calm. Even when he raised his voice. Even when I wanted to raise mine. I stayed calm.

So that has to show some development on my part. I've come pretty far from the kid who would've jumped at the chance to make him cry. Cos I've done it before. I'm that evil sometimes.

At least we both apologised. Which was positive. And he said he'd try to be less unreliable. And I hung up not angry anymore. So that's always good. Blah. So we had our first chance to fuck up and I guess we passed this test. Onward to the next.

I bought this really nice bracelet today, cos my favourite necklace broke last week and I mourned for it, but I had to find some other jewelry. It's nice and pseudo-native, and we all know how much Josh loves pseudo-native things.

Kyle still wants me to spend the night tomorrow. And if it works out, I will. Next big step in our relationship, there. Makes me rather nervous.

wishful thinking you might be mine
every shiver sends
one breath under the bridge of sighs
bending where the river bends
and every dream is just a dream, after all
and everything stands so still when you dance
everything spins so fast
and the night's in a paper cup
when you want it to last

27 August 2002 at 12:25 am | No Comments »
shutterbugs, the daily things

I'm in a pretty melancholy sort of mood tonight. Rachel left for Rhodes earlier this morning. She's on her way to Memphis, and if her current desires work out into reality, I'll never see her again. So that depresses me. I didn't realize just how much it depressed me until earlier tonight.

Kyle and I went out, because it's also his last few days of freedom before his sophmore year of college starts. And all of his other friends came back into New Orleans from whatever respective cities they came from to prepare for Wednesday, when their classes start up for the year. And I helped Kyle move into his dorm room a little bit after work. I just mainly wanted to see them, since 1) I've never seen a college dorm room (they're ridiculously tiny!), and 2) I've never specifically seen anything further than the parking lot of the college he's in.

It was really kindof silly, though. I always hear that college is "so totally different" from high school, but from what I saw tonight they looked a lot alike. But it was interesting to see, in the event I do ever find myself doing that whole "college" thing.

After that, we went back to his friend Joanna's house, where I met the rest of Kyle's friends. There were about eight other people there, beside Kyle and I. Eight other people that I'd never met before. Knew very little about.

But, as I found out, knew everything in the world about me.

It was pretty surprising. A bit flattering, cos apparently Kyle talks about me all the time. They all seemed nice, though, and were all ridiculously excited to meet me. Which was nice. But as the night progressed Kyle sortof shoved me off to spend time with them, and I felt a little pissed off about it. But I didn't say anything. I just sat and looked annoyed. And I drank, again. Two nights in a row where I've had alcohol…. It's starting to make me worry a bit. Normally I drink one night in several months. So I won't let this become a trend-thing.

I figure maybe I should tell him things like that annoy me, because maybe he didn't realize that. I know he was excited about seeing his friends who'd been gone all summer, and I know he didn't intentionally ignore me. But it felt that way. Pah. I get annoyed with him so easily. And I know it's not his fault. It's mine. It's because I love to fuck up a good thing.

That's my problem. That's what I need to work with. But right now I'm exhausted, so I'm going to work on heading to bed. Yeeah. I'm allegedly going to spend Tuesday night with him in his dorm. A christening, I suppose. It'll be the first time we sleep overnight together. Oo, dramatic. Goodnight.

Outside of Kyle's dorm.

Inside the dorm. Kyle's friend Ariel.

Kyle in Attack of the Flash!

Me. In a picture that's very reflective of my mood.

26 August 2002 at 3:25 am | No Comments »
shutterbugs, the daily things

Have just ended what was likely one of the worst nights I've had recently. Jackie and I invited a couple of people over because she wanted to have what I call her "Risk parties," where people come over in groups and we play Risk for several hours until either she or her friend Ashley win, or we all pass out and end up shelving the game for continuation later.

However, we've never played before with this configuration of people. And after the events of tonight I doubt I'll play it with them again.

In the end, I decided just to quit. And I never quit. The night started out all right, everybody was doing okay, having fun. We had Jackie, me, Ashley, two of Jackie's friends from work (Ted and John) and Jackie's boyfriend Carl. And the game started out all right, but as it progressed everyone except Ashley and Jackie started fighting more and more with each other, until it became petty bickering. I even drank one of the alcoholic beverages that John brought over, even though I hate alcohol. That's how bad it was. Though, the consolation was it tasted more like a mix between Sprite and orange juice than any actual alcohol, and it tasted good.

But the fighting was ridiculous. What should've been a fun time together playing a boardgame became unbearable fighting. They were all sore losers, they all had to argue with each other over everything, nothing was said with any civility, and it made me sick. I just sat there. Quiet. Not having any type of fun.

And she wonders why I don't like to be social in large group settings. It's because people, even though they're all friends, become very unfriendly with the quickest spark.

Also, I've been really high-strung today because I managed to make myself two hours late for work. Again. So I've felt shitty all day. And I have work again tomorrow. My next day off's wednesday, but I'm supposed to go out with Kyle tomorrow to go see his dorm room for the first time, since he's moving in finally. And maybe, if I'm the slightest bit lucky, I'll get to spend the night with him. Which will be so lovely I think I could cry.

Goodnight, everybody.

25 August 2002 at 2:27 am | No Comments »
bitching

we're alone & all I think is
you could be bad news
I feel you rebuilding everything you broke in me.
and everything you haven't.
I feel like nothing's old. like nothing has been seen.
and I like it.

24 August 2002 at 5:43 pm | No Comments »
poetry/prose