hey. I know you didn't write me or anything yet, but it's nearly five in the morning and I've been lying in bed for nearly an hour thinking about things. and it took Jackie to make me realize that maybe I have been an asshole to you. I disagreed with her in the beginning but as I've spent so much time running over every day spent with you, I realize that she was right.

I am too demanding. I ask a lot of everybody and it rarely matters to me when my standards are too high for them to deliver. but it matters to me with you. I asked a lot of you and I realize that total attention 24/7 isn't going to be possible. as much as I want it, I know you have to have your space. and I'm just sorry I've driven you this far away, less than a week before we would've been together a month.

I'm sorry for snapping at you. I do realize the pressures that you're under, and I do realize how hard it is for you to get to see me. I appreciate the effourt that you make to do it, and I appreciate the effort Joanna and Ariel and Will have made to provide it. your time with me does mean a lot. it's ridiculously important to me.

I'm now all gung-ho about the GED thing. when, less than a month ago, it didn't factour all that high on my list of current priorities. and that's because of you. I know I bitch and bitch about the help, but deep down, I love it more than I let on. because it lets me know that you care and are concerned about my well-being.

I was so deathly afraid of fucking things up again this time, Kyle, that I guess I overreacted and pushed too hard. in the words of Jackie, "Maybe you're being a little too intense. Maybe you should treat him like a bunny that's about to run away." and that simple little allusion makes sense.

I do realize how your past interactions with boyfriends have made you scared of things. but I'm not them, Kyle. I never was. I will not do to you the things they did. you've no reason to be scared on my behalf. if I haven't proven that to you then I don't know what I can do. I'll never hurt you like that. ever. you're safe with me, and I hope you know that.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for getting pissed off at you, because I know how tough things are for you right now and the kindof stress you have to deal with. school wasn't that far away for me, remember? I haven't forgotten it. I still want to be your boyfriend, and I just hope that it's not too late to tell you that.

I just hope it's not too late to matter.

I'll give you a call tomorrow after I get home from work (around ten) unless you don't want me to. if you still want space I'll respect that. and you don't have to make up things in order to get it next time. I'll give you time to yourself and only yourself if that's what you want in the moment. always.

I care about you a lot, Kyle. And I hope, hope that it's not too late to say that. Goodnight.

-josh

Entry last modified: June 28, 2007 at 7:13 pm.

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