So, I had a massively shitty day, was fully prepared to have a massively shitty night as well, but ended up feeling not quite that bad.

Among other things, Jackie and I had a fight last night, and its development was only delayed because she decided to go to bed. I was still pissed, so I wrote her a note and left it for her to find on her way to work this morning. It wasn't rude or snide or anything; it was quite civil and showed none of the sarcasm or anger I was feeling. I simply told her some things that were on my mind, and I told her how things were going to run in our "democratic" household from now on.

Knowing that this was going to just further the arguement, I braced myself for when she got home. And sure enough, we started to fight again. It was pretty bad, but somehow, despite how angry I was, I stayed calm enough to think straight.

And in the end, it ended up being a good arguement to have.

I can't remember what it was that she said to get this reply, but whatever it was, at some point I told her this:

"Maybe you don't realize this, but I bust my ass for you. I am quite aware that you're at a job that pays you far better than mine, that you don't have to worry about paying your half of the rent, etc. But maybe you haven't thought about how hard it is for me to afford to live here, and when I can afford living here, I can't afford anything else. Maybe you haven't thought about how much stress I go through in order to find the money to pay my half of the bills, how much work I do just to pay them, all other expenses aside. And it really hurts that I go through all of that just to come home and be berated and yelled at and ordered around."

And as soon as I told her that, we had a joint epiphany. Something in her clicked. A light went off, something I could visibly see. And I realized that it wasn't fair for me to be angry at her for how she was treating me, because aside from the fights, I never once told her how she was making me feel. I never told her how much she was upsetting me in the first place. Because something about Jackie makes my normally ferociously strong will curl up and run away. So I have a hard time talking to her about anything, because she's so dominant.

And I could see quite clearly that she realized how badly she was making me feel. And I could see that she had no idea of that before. All of the anger between us just sunk out of our bodies and she grabbed me and hugged me and told me that she was sorry for hurting my feelings with everything. So we sat down and talked, and made agreements on things, and did it together. And I think that things will work better between us now. God I hope so.

Entry last modified: April 17, 2006 at 10:26 am.

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