I can be a real idiot sometimes.

Like, blowing up over the tiniest thing at the worst time. Or even the best time. Any time. Those of you who've known me long enough are used to this. I know David knows what I mean. Part of me says it's this house. I know part of it has to be this house. Because I've turned back into that sixteen year old who left this place behind. No. I was forced back into him. I cried in my bed again last night. Because walking through here is like having psychotic hallucinations. One second I'm coming home from work and I sit down to eat and as I sit I rewind a year and I'm sitting down in front of the television after a fight with my parents. Wanting desperately to be anywhere but here.

I sat down on the couch to write in my journal last night. And in an instant it was february of 2001. I remember it distinctly. Because I was writing to Kent. A poem came out in two seconds then. And it upset me and hurt me so badly. This unwanted flashback.

I have them with every step. And that's a good portion of why I'm so unstable right now. I know, it's not an excuse. But until I find my balance again I'm going to stumble along. A lot.

And until then I'm gonna yell. And scream. And pick arguements. And make it seem like it's your fault. And in my head, in that moment, it's gonna be. It's the time of the year, it's the current situation I'm in. I'm insane, and heaven help me if you don't sympathise.

Yeah, I know. Irrational. I know that now, but ask me in that moment and I'll hit you in the face. Because all I can see is RED. and how everyone else is wrong but me.

That's why it means so much to have you sticking around. Knowing that I do have a good, sensible side. He's just a little miffed right now and it's hard coaxing him back out here.

::hug.:: Happy New Year. Samhain for the uninitiated.

Entry last modified: April 17, 2006 at 11:25 am.

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