New Job, Day Five:

I believe I am already disinfatuated with my job. But disinfatuated isn't a word. I know this because Jackie challenged me to it and I've been looking for it for ten minutes. And apparently infatuated has no negative version. It's not disinfatuated, uninfatuated, non-infatuated, anything. Just not infatuated, apparently.

But I don't like work, already. After five days, I dislike working there.

At McDonalds, I hated my job because of the customers, and the only reason why I kept going was the people I worked with.

Now– well, I hate the people I work with.

They haven't done anything to me to give me this opinion; it's just something I realize about them. They are all uptight, quite frankly. Well, except the black people. And I think this is a bias I (was totally unaware I) have, because I worked with black people for nine months at McDonalds. I was born/raised Southern Baptist, and to this day I still jump at any chance to go to a Baptist church in New Orleans. It's filled with so much music and energy, it's really incredible.

I found out that Cute Gay Boy is, in fact, a cute gay boy. He "came out" to me a few days ago while we were discussing the boss. Apparently the boss is a big, womanizing homophobe. One girl quit because he sexually harassed her, and I am her direct replacement, I found out yesterday. And the boss is really rotten to the gay guy because he's gay.

Ha. I'm waiting patiently for him to say something derogatory to me. Then I will be the owner of a sandwich franchise.

I don't have much of a problem with the boss right now, because he thinks I'm straight, and he likes me. So, I'm getting a shitload of hours– I work two doubles this weekend. I also don't have too much of a problem with the gay guy; he's cute, but also a Scorpio (and I twitch just as much dating other Scorpios as I do dating guys named 'Josh.') and he's even broodier and sullen than me. It's weird to be around him, because I'm not sure if he's angry with me for something or has taken something I've said the wrong way or anything. He's also a bit uptight, but I guess he has reason to be since he's gone two months in a hostile work environment. I think he feels better now that he's not the only gay guy, and I already made it clear to him that I'd be a martyr if the boss ever said anything I didn't appreciate. He thanked me thoroughly when I gave him a lighter today so he could smoke a cigarette. It was vaguely adorable.

But I think I'm disinfatuated with him too, because he smokes, which is a turnoff to me, and then he was previously in the navy, which is also a turnoff. Those are, in fact, my two biggest turn offs. And he has them both. Le sigh.

And, actually, everybody except me and the black people met on the same navy ship. That is so odd, I think.

Bah. Army bad!

The manager strikes me as someone I don't think I'll ever like. However, she pissed me off and I told her off, and now she idolizes me. She's very weak-willed and even more uptight than anybody else. Yet she trounces about as if she's really the manager. When she only got the position because Gay Guy was denied it when the boss found out he slept with guys.

Sigh. I think people should pay for me. So I won't have to work anymore.

Yeah.

Taking applications now!

And I still think disinfatuated is a word, even if Webster's doesn't.

I am in a very odd mood right now. I have been for the last week or so.

Wanting to go through here and change things. It's what sparked the creativity needed to get that layout together; when previously I hadn't even thought of making a new one. I think big plans are being created somewhere back in my head. All references to multiple personality disorder aside, I've always been aware that something outside of "me" controls that type of thing. It does the creative stuff in the background where I try to peek in on it and sometimes I'm lucky and get a glimpse of something so profound that I try to create it myself, but what comes out is only a wireframe model of the original.

Sometimes, I think, when it's finished with the project and is satisfied with the outcome (which is rare, since it's more of a perfectionist than me), it turns it over to my awareness. And that's when I create the beautiful pieces of poetry, story, or melody that still throw my head around in a hundred directions when I hear them now. These things are not mine, they just spoke through my body.

Well, I know when these things are being created. The energy as this little person runs around and devotes itself to art is enough to make my head heat up. I honestly believe my temperature goes up in these cases. I can feel the gears turning, the water mill being powered with the rain of inspiration. It's exciting when this happens, because I know something's going to burst from me and spill out over everything. And it's going to be incredible.

Things are going to change here soon, somehow. I don't even know yet. But, they will be.

He'll get this when he gets off his stupid ass and IMs me back.

He uses a pseudonym on his website to hide his identity. I feel like sharing this because he never stopped to consider that it's linked to my site under his real name, and when I mention him I use his real name, and not this fake one. He doesn't believe me that because my site is popular (well, it is. I'm quite happy with my eighty unique people a day), and because he is mentioned in it, people are going to go to it to find out what's up.

He won't believe me that I've gotten four emails today asking me to compliment him on his writing. He won't believe me that I've gotten as many IMs from people saying the same.

To be honest, aside from a few glances here and there, I hadn't looked at it yet. I saw enough to think, "wow, he writes pretty well." But all of this made me curious today and I went to check out the hype.

And, to be honest, I was surprised. Because I had thought, for some reason, that the scope of what is there was something beyond his level. I just assumed. I think it was a sick assumption to make, and I feel bad for making it. He makes me smile. Even in the sad moments, I smile. I went through and read everything there. There's more up there now in these past few days than there was previously, and I just hope he continues to add content.

He's a good writer. I don't know if he'll believe that, but I'm impressed with it.

Everybody asked how old he was. And I told them. And nobody even raised an eyebrow when they calculated that he was thirteen years older than me. It made me want to twitch, because while I don't think the age difference affects me all that much, it does make me uncomfortable. Almost all of my boyfriends have been older than me. But. Not that much older. I figure I'll deal with it though.

I do like him. I do enjoy his company and the time we share together.

He has a sexy voice.

And in about a week, he'll be here. And we're going to watch the Joy Luck Club and Hedwig and the Angry Inch in his hotel room together.

And for a first date, I can think of one no better.

Okay. My birthday is in little over a month now. In little over a month I'll be a full-fledged adult.

All dizziness about that sudden realization aside, to get my mind off of that, I went and made a wishlist at amazon.com because I like getting presents. and. People should buy me things. Cos I would cry.

So, to anybody who actually goes ahead and gets me any of this stuff. I'll… I have no idea. Give you lots of big kisses.

Thanks.

xoxo.

[23:31] b73 akd0 wn: oh my god.
[23:31] Tommy: ?
[23:31] b73 akd0 wn: they are having sex in the shower.
[23:31] b73 akd0 wn: and I can hear it.
[23:31] b73 akd0 wn: ew
[23:31] b73 akd0 wn: ew
[23:31] b73 akd0 wn: ew
[23:31] b73 akd0 wn: ew
[23:31] Tommy: gross
[23:32] b73 akd0 wn: I threw the cat at the door and turned up music from my french musical really loudly.
[23:32] b73 akd0 wn: and put the speaker by the door.
[23:32] Tommy: that's nasty
[23:32] b73 akd0 wn: she hates my french musical.
[23:32] b73 akd0 wn: so.
[23:32] b73 akd0 wn: she has one of two choices.
[23:32] b73 akd0 wn: stop having sex to turn it off.
[23:32] b73 akd0 wn: or.
[23:33] b73 akd0 wn: suffer through the music she hates and have an unenjoyable sexual experience.
[23:33] b73 akd0 wn: because she'll be thinking of me the whole time.
[23:33] b73 akd0 wn: "I hate josh. I hate josh."
[23:33] Tommy: what if it turns out to be a good experience, and then her mind unconsciously associates you with good sex?
[23:33] b73 akd0 wn: ew. girlie boobies.

So, yes, I did finally start my new job. The work was actually no problem; they had me do the cash register for the most part, which I somehow managed to pick up in a moment. Perhaps that was because of all the McDonalds crap I remember. The people I work with are nice, so far. There is this really cute guy who's probably (I hope!) gay, and his cousin is the nighttime shift manager. She's also pretty nice. But arrgh! Everybody's so much older than me. They look to be my age or a bit older, and the youngest one is twenty-two. I feel like such a baby.

I heard about how horrible my boss is, how great he is, how badly the work sucks, how easy it is, la la la. Traditional first day stuff, I think. I think I'll like working nights now. Because I get to stay up all night and then sleep all fucking day. Yes!

• Sarah McLachlan
  ("Fumbling Towards Ecstasy")
  You need to download Flash if you see this message.

listen as the wind blows
from across the great divide
voices trapped in yearning
memories trapped in time
the night is my companion
and solitude my guide
would I spend forever here
and not be satisfied

and I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear

through this world I've stumbled
so many times betrayed
trying to find a honest word
to find the truth enslaved
oh you speak to me in riddles
and you speak to me in rhyme
my body aches to breathe your breath
your words keep me alive

into this night I wander
it's morning that I dread
another day of knowing of
the path I fear to tread
oh into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride
nothing stands between us here
and I won't be denied

I didn't go to work yesterday. They called at noon and I was all ready and set to go, but then the manager told me that I wasn't scheduled for friday anyway, so they'd let me start on Saturday.

So. There we go. Today's my first day in this new job. I'm still just as excited as I was last week, I think. They want me to work nights, so that's what I'm gonna be doing. Woo! No having to wake up early anymore! Ohyes.

But I'm going to get to bed. Because. I still have to get up. G'night.

Those of you with eyesight will notice the change here. Yes. I like it. It's very blue. You'll also notice the lack of my signature orange. What can this bode? Who knows.

Twenty points to whomever knows where I ripped the background for that image up there. The one with all the clouds.

I'm supposed to start my new job today. So. I will update after that experience ends. Goodnight.

Well, the storm is apparently all done and passed now. I went outside to take pictures and was a bit disappointed, because frankly nothing happened.

But as I was sitting outside on the levee near the lake, snapping away with my camera, I began to notice the strangest thing.

The sky was very rapidly changing to the prettiest shade of purple. I'd never seen such a thing before. Not in a sunset, not anything. I took a hundred pictures of the sky*, afraid that the shade wouldn't translate into my camera.

When I got home and uploaded them I was very surprised to find out that it did.

It was pretty incredible to watch this happen overhead. As far as I know, I'm working tomorrow. My first day in a new job. Oo, goosebumps.

* 03/05/2006 note: You can see more (and better pics) of this in this entry.

So, I didn't go to work. And we haven't been killed by a tornado. And the centre is somewhere around Alexandria, Louisiana, but I have no earthly idea where that is, except for the vague guess that it is real close to Bum Fuck Asia. No, Egypt's somewhere else.

No direct hit for us, it would seem, but that doesn't really mean we're any better. The streets didn't flood this time, but I walked outside and got knocked– literally– back into the house by a blast of wind.

And apparently it isn't even gone from our state yet.

I'll see if I go in tomorrow, too. Bah. I haven't worked at all this week. This makes my skin crawl, because I have bills to pay. So maybe if the situation improves a bit I'll still go in to work anyway.

Well, still no tornadoes. It's been about an hour and while the wind has intensified and the rain is so much worse, I still don't hear that tell-tale train howl of wind that gets associated with the spinning monsters.

Ofcourse, every time I do hear a howl of wind, my heart starts beating faster and I stop breathing until the wind stops.

I moved all of the patio furniture inside. I've never dealt with a tornado but that seemed vaguely correct. Also, something about windows and pressure, right?

I never remember these things being so stressful when I lived at home. Maybe that's just because I was content in the fact that my parents were superpeople and they'd protect us no matter what.

Anyway, I'm gonna go attempt sleep. I don't think working today is much of an option, but in the event I have to get up and do any death-defying escapes from weather systems, it'd be better if I didn't have to do them in a sleep-depraved state.

Wish me luck, I'm goin' in.

So, Josh is the slightest bit worried.

Just checked the news. A storm that created a tornado is headed directly for my city right now. Like, directly. It's racing for us, and I'm freaked out, because I've never experienced a tornado before.

And I, like a dumbass, am online to write about this shit. What can I say, I love you guys. And I want you to know if I blow away.

Ah, there goes the first clap of thunder. Big one too. Sounded like a car fell from the sky. Fuck, maybe a car did fall from the sky. Anyway, I'm going, cos the lights have been flickering for ten minutes. I'm gonna put the furnature on the patio inside.

Arrgh, this is fun. Goodnight.

I'll post again unless I end up like a gay Dorothy.

Toto?!

Apparently, exactly a week after the last, there's another storm out in the Gulf of Mexico right now. Except this one's supposedly not a joke.

Two hundred miles away from me as of this moment, and already a category four.

Hurricane Andrew, which was only a couple years ago, was a five, and I still remember very vividly the destruction that fell upon my home that year. It was pretty scary.

So, I don't know if I'm going to be able to start my first day in my new job tomorrow. I want to; I'm going to make a valiant effourt to get there. And I just hope that I'll manage it.

I expected yesterday to be unbearable. I expected to be in my room, crying, all day. I expected that I wouldn't be able to function, which is why I asked to have that day off from work, priour to finding that I was losing my job anyway.

I didn't know how I would get through things. But, as it turns out, I got through things quite easily. I mean, I was saddened that he was gone– it wasn't as if I was lacking emotion on the subject. But that didn't impair my ability to do what I would've done on any other day.

Part of me was glad. Because it's been a year. And I have moved so far beyond what I was when he left here.

I miss him, and I guess I will always miss him. But I think I am finally getting to the point where missing him and being incapacitated with grief do not go hand in hand.

This entry was written at work today.

{{ 1530:

I am at work. Today is my last day in the place that I've been stuck– for better or not-quite-that-bad– since February.

It is also the last day that this store will be the way it is now. Tomorrow, the Corporation will come in and reassume control.

Like China regaining rule of Hong Kong after it spent so many years being run by the British, this store is going back to its "Master," for lack of a better term. Regressing. Going back to an organization I have even fewer nice thoughts about post-McDonalds fight.

There's a pretty strange emotion in the store right now, that I have just now been able to identify. There is a hushed, almost fearful taint in the air, as everyone braces themselves for the changes that will begin tonight.

By the time I leave here, my shift over and no thoughts of returning to this place again in a working context, officials from the Corp. (or McCopCo, as they apparently call themselves) will have come in and begun removing what little now remains of the old store. Everything– all posters, advertisements, stickers, and equipment– is going to be replaced. The McDonalds on Severn Avenue of today will bear little resemblance to the one that will spring up tomorrow.

But, in here, it feels as if today is the last day of school before summer break begins. There is excitement at change, but also fear, also knowing that not all of your friends will be returning after the holiday.

That is the sad and hard part, and part of the reason why I decided to leave. Even though I have a very tumultuous life, I do not deal with change all that well. Even though everything in my life changes with frightening speed everyday, those changes generally happen around the variables in my life that are almost always constant– school, work, where I live, my friends, et cetera.

It's when those things, my foundations for sanity, change drastically and suddenly that I have a hard time dealing with it.

So, that's why I opted for my famous, "Run Away and Leave Everyone Behind" strategy.

I am very bad at saying goodbye. Not the casual, "see you tomorrow, bye" variety, but when I know, chances are, I'll never see these people again.

Those I have a hard time doing, and in all honesty, while I am angry at Kent for just leaving wordlessly, I understand why he did it. And I know, if I could have, I would have just left McDonalds and told only the manager who I had to.

Sometimes it's just too hard to say goodbye, and while I long to take the chickenshit route, I've never been able to do it.

So, tonight I leave, and while my new job is only blocks from here, I don't think I will visit. Just because when I leave one place, I never like to go back to it.

And I embrace the change that is coming, even though it is new, even though I am rebuilding a long-entrenched foundation via this action. Even though, in doing this, I am scared out of my skull.

But, I will get through. As always. }}

When you look at pictures like that, they really do look like the smiling workers on all of those gloriously idealized McDonalds commercials.

Now:

In the end, I ended up writing them all a note and put it up as I left. I didn't wanna hear their reactions. I thanked them, told them I loved them, and I would miss them all. Somebody had baked me a cake. A few people teared up, which didn't help me at all.

I never expected to get so attached to these people. But, I did. And now I start something new.

Veryvery much thanks to my friend Patrick, who, along with my parents, helped solve my money problems this month. I always get to realize how good the friends I have are when I am in trouble. Because they always pull me out.

Tommy's gonna come visit me in two weeks. I'm actually very excited about this.

But right now I'm tired. So that takes priourity. G'night.