I am a very mean person.

More specifically, I am a very mean person to gay men.

I've never exactly understood why I'm like this, as there is a very marked drop in my tolerance level when I'm surrounded by other gay guys (and god, when I'm in a group of them, this drop multiplies by seven or so.), but it's something I have actually spent time thinking about. It would amuse my ex roommate to no end, who took to introducing me to all her homosexual friends with, "This is Josh, and he's more homophobic than your father."

I'm sure it has something to do with my own inbred feelings of dislike at being gay due to my very strict religious upbringing. For example, my mom always tells me that her dreams generally have a very big demonic motif to them because she grew up having the idea reinforced that she was going to hell for how she was. Yet why she didn't learn from that and try to spare her children the same thing is beyond me.

But I am not the kind of person you're generally likely to find at any massive gay function. I did the N.O/AIDS Walk one year in New Orleans, and I've now been to a club twice in my life, not counting the times I've been there performing. Performing music, thank you.

But I'll let you in on a not-quite-secret secret. I'm moving to New York to be famous.

Most of you know that I want to be a musician. That is my dream. To be on stage, playing the songs that I've written to a group of people (however small) who know all the lyrics by heart and can recite them better than me. But for a very long time this dream was just a dream, and I never did anything to accomplish it.

Then I had my epiphany, which tied in the New York move and everything else. I realize I was my father. Who wanted to do music but didn't have enough drive or desire to actually get out there and do it. Who would sit around and tell people how much he wanted to be doing it, how much he wished he was, but never took the initiative.

And I refused to be that.

I said to myself the only way I'm gonna get famous is if I get out there and make myself get famous. So I am. That's what I'm doing.

So I went on gay.com earlier today and checked into the New York City chatroom. Honestly, my purposes were innocent. I wanted addresses. Names and street locations of clubs in the Big Apple where I could play. Small venues. Open mic nights. Anything. So that I could begin doing it.

Perhaps I would've done better in this had I not created a profile with a picture. Because all the people who actually sent me messages only wanted one thing: immediate, random sex.

Folks. I was never big on random sex to begin with. And I'm going away from the "dirty south" as someone I know calls it (wink) to get away from this and start anew.

So I am a hot stud of a man (!) and I am immediately getting goddamn messages asking me where I lived and etc etc. And they got offended when I told them I wasn't interested. Or they got offended when people older than my father wanted to sleep with me and I would have to tell them that sadly, I have enough issues with that to be comfortable.

Jeeze.

But my favourite conversation of the night was from an ugly fifty-one year old. Who by ugly I do not mean specifically physically, though that was also undesirable. This specific person wanted basically an escort. He wanted to give me money because he "likes helping out younger, cute guys" and I "seemed very nice." Which was amusing, because I must be SO nice that you can just TELL when you see my screenname. As I said all of two words to this person. Though ofcourse this money only comes if I have sex with him.

Sorry. I have scruples.

I told him no I don't know how many times before I finally pressed the "ignore" button. People like that bother me.

What bothers me more is the luck he's most certainly had with other people. And that bothers me only because integrity can fail fast if enough pressure is applied towards making it break.

And I can go on and on about how I'm stronger than that, about how I'd never subject myself to that, but I'm leaning towards the opinion that this will be an experience that's gonna bring me head to head with everything I'll "never" do.

I think I'm ready for that.

And I just hope I come out of it all right.

31 December 2002 at 2:34 am | No Comments »
bitching, escort, gay, gay.com, homophobic, mansex, NYC, performing music

I discovered sadly that my dreamhouse in Brooklyn is unfortunately likely two to three hours by subway from Times Square. So unless this is a fluke and the city's only a few stops away, I may have to go find a new place.

Which requires telling the landlord of the aforementioned dreamhouse in Brooklyn no. And no is a word I really hate telling people, especially when I am fully aware of the fact that they're depending on me.

Knowing me, I would test out the route, discover that it is really fucking far, and just never answer his calls. And I would feel really shitty about it in doing so.

So I'm trying to find a new place. My friend Patrick, with whom I shall be staying with in Harlem for a bit, says I should look in Harlem. But I'm unsure about that. Deciding to move to New York has brought me face-to-face with all of the stereotypes that I took for granted, because I was led to believe that in Harlem I would be shot during the daytime just for being white, when in fact the only people I really know in New York City live in Harlem, and they're both gay. So I have no idea about anything. I'm really feeling that no matter how jaded and embittered I am, or I think I am, actually experiencing that city is gonna show me that I really am not hardcore at all.

I pulled some tarot cards about it earlier. Did four readings, and pulled four fairly good cards. They all said I'd face adversity, but they all said that I'd overcome it. And that's really how I feel.

Because whenever I get too low, I always manage to get lucky enough to rise back up.

So, as I am po' and I cannot possibly afford a place myself, I am begging any kind New Yorkers (oxymoron-much?) to point me in a nice direction in which to find home-age. Otherwise. Well. I'm fucked.

But I don't plan on being fucked. No. I'm looking forward to the adventure.

30 December 2002 at 5:45 am | No Comments »
the daily things, dreamhouse, harlem, moving, NYC, stereotypes, subway, tarot cards

Friday I got eight boxes that contained everything I own. Every scrap of paper that I've never thrown away, every journal and notebook and song and poem. Packed away. I guess it's kindof sad that my entire life and entire life's worth of possessions fit into eight small boxes. But then again, considering I'm moving to New York and I'll probably have a room that was a is the size of a closet, that may not be a bad thing.

So anyway I got my stuff from New Orleans. And yesterday I went through them to make sure I've got everything. Unfortunately they left some things behind, but ah well. What amused me was in the fifth or six box, I cut off the tape and pulled off the lid and discovered something that made me really smile.

At the very top of the box was a present that my grandmother gave me when I turned a year old. My very first pillow.

You see, this specific pillow has much history in my family. Well, at least between my mother and I. Many times we've fought over its destruction. My mom hates the thing, and I've never understood why. I remember coming home from school one day in third grade and upon dropping my napsack I discovered that the aforementioned pillow was missing.

So I freaked out and ran to the garbage can, where underneath a frozen-dinner carton and a can of soup was my cherished safety-device. I pulled it out, stomped over to my mother's room, threw it on the floor, and in my best pissed-off-nine-year-old voice I said, "Wash it!"

One year we went on vacation to visit my grandmother in Florida and ended up picking up a new pet there. A girl dog that we named "Durago," (though I can't remember how to spell it) which is Spanish for hurricane or violent weather system or something like that.

Little did we know it would be a self-fufilling prophecy.

We went out to a movie one night and when we got home I was very devistated to find a piece of my pillow lying right in front of the door. And I followed this piece to another. To another. And I followed this trail of fluffy-carnage into my room, where that fucking dog was lying on my bed in a pile of stuffing and wagging her tail.

My mom was sure that this was the end of that pillow. She was sure that it would be thrown away that night. Which was evident by when she told me, "Aw, that's a shame. Well I'll help you pick it up and put it in the garbage…."

But aha! I picked it all up and put it back into the pillow case and tied it into a knot. And that's how it's been every since.

However when I moved out and then moved here I was sure that my mom would take the opportunity to throw it away while I couldn't stop her. So I sadly conceded defeat in that department. Didn't even bother to ask her, hey, can you pack this too…. cos I didn't want to deal with the feelings I'd feel when she told me, "Aw, I threw it away."

But seeing it in that box made me smile.

I'm thinking about giving my parents the link to this site after I go through it and revamp everything. And ofcourse once my site actually starts working right again. I mean, even if I can't talk to them all the time, they can at least read this and know what antics I'm up to.

29 December 2002 at 6:38 pm | No Comments »
the daily things, durago, parents, pillow, safety device

Session Start (AIM - b73akd0wn:Its 4W): Sat Dec 28 2002:
[21:36] Its 4W: i had a dream about us last night.
[21:36] Its 4W: i dreamed that you were going to new york, and i was here, but i felt like something was wrong there.
[21:37] Its 4W: so i flew to new york, and you said that you were scared, and i told you that it was a scary place. you agreed.
[21:38] Its 4W: i told you i knew where to go, and you followed. i went into a corner and there was a sign that said "adoption services" or something like that. I can't read when i sleep, but i know it was something about adoption.
[21:38] b73akd0wn: ::laughs.::
[21:38] Its 4W: i talked to the secretary for a while, but you went through another door and talked to someone else. You said you knew what you were doing, and they gave you a place to stay.
[21:39] Its 4W: then i realised that i was in new york, and i had to work the next morning, so i helped you fold your underwear and i took a plane back to tn. afterall, i thought, it was only a 3 hour flight.
[21:40] b73akd0wn: ::laughs.::
[21:40] Its 4W: so, abut a week later, i flew up to see you again, and you were happy with the other people you lived with in the building (i don't know if you lived with the other people, or just in their apartment building). We bought crayons!
[21:40] Its 4W: three packs of three.
[21:40] b73akd0wn: aww.
[21:40] Its 4W: and then i flew back to tn.
[21:40] b73akd0wn: babe you better visit me!
[21:40] Its 4W: and the moral of the story was: you'll be okay, you know what you're doing, and i shouldn't worry about losing you, because there's always flights to new york.
[21:40] Its 4W: yeah, i'd better!
[21:41] Its 4W: seriously, that's what i was thinking when it ended: I can always visit josh if i need to make sure he's okay.
[21:41] Its 4W: it really put me at ease about this whole thing.
[21:41] b73akd0wn: awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
[21:41] b73akd0wn: ::is crying.::
[21:41] Its 4W: why, babe? It was a good dream!
[21:42] b73akd0wn: I know.
[21:42] b73akd0wn: you made me feel better about it too.
[21:42] Its 4W: good!
[21:42] Its 4W: you should feel good about it.
[21:42] b73akd0wn: and you can always visit me.
[21:42] b73akd0wn: cos it's two hours and fourty four minutes from here to new york.
[21:42] Its 4W: see?
[21:42] b73akd0wn: yes.

Session Start (AIM - b73akd0wn:boi deviant): Sat Dec 28 2002:
[00:44] b73akd0wn: ::has goosebumps.::
[00:44] boi deviant: *laughs* is this good?
[00:44] b73akd0wn: I hope so.
[00:44] b73akd0wn: cos… it's almost to the point of no return.
[00:46] boi deviant: oh.
[00:47] b73akd0wn: sighsighsigh.
[00:47] boi deviant: *hugs* you'll be fine.
[00:47] boi deviant: you've handled a lot more shit than most people.
[00:47] b73akd0wn: aw.
[00:47] b73akd0wn: yeah.
[00:47] b73akd0wn: but.
[00:47] b73akd0wn: not new york.
[00:47] b73akd0wn: big shit.
[00:48] boi deviant: you can kick the big apple's ass.
[00:49] b73akd0wn: ::laughs.::
[00:49] b73akd0wn: do you really think so?
[00:49] boi deviant: oh yes.
[00:50] b73akd0wn: why?
[00:50] boi deviant: josh, you're the strongest human being i know.
[00:50] b73akd0wn: aww.
[00:50] boi deviant: most people i know would have curled up and died after dealing with everything you've been through.
[00:50] boi deviant: but you keep going.
[00:50] boi deviant: you rock.
[00:50] b73akd0wn: awwww.
[00:50] b73akd0wn: ryan….
[00:51] boi deviant: yes?
[00:51] b73akd0wn: that means a lot to me.
[00:53] boi deviant: thanks
[00:53] boi deviant: it's true.
[00:56] b73akd0wn: I hope you're all right.

Session Start (AIM - b73akd0wn:Constantinopoly): Fri Dec 27 2002:
[19:59] Constantinopoly: wow. you are a real tumbleweed, you know that. i don't think i could have done it. id chicken out

Session Start (AIM - b73akd0wn:BROWARDSW): Thu Dec 26 2002:
[23:39] BROWARDSW: ur wasting ur time here
[23:39] BROWARDSW: go to NY
[23:39] BROWARDSW: run dont walk
[23:39] b73akd0wn: ::laughs.::
[23:39] b73akd0wn: you really think so?
[23:39] BROWARDSW: would hate to see u waste ur god given talents
[23:40] BROWARDSW: ur a bird ready to soar
[23:40] b73akd0wn: aw.
[23:40] BROWARDSW: fly!

Session Start (AIM - b73akd0wn:Katran Duilliath): Sat Dec 28 2002:
[03:28] Katran Duilliath: you'll have lots of funnnnnnnn
[03:29] b73akd0wn: I hope so.
[03:29] b73akd0wn: I'm so scared though.
[03:29] b73akd0wn: this is so big.
[03:29] Katran Duilliath: aw.
[03:30] Katran Duilliath: that's cause Joshie is big now and has to do big things for himself.

Session Start (AIM - b73akd0wn:KarmaTheStrange): Fri Dec 27 2002:
[17:33] b73akd0wn: so do you think I should move?
[17:33] b73akd0wn: do you think I've got a chance?
[17:33] KarmaTheStrange: YES I think you have more than a chance
[17:33] KarmaTheStrange: this feels like destiny baby
[17:33] b73akd0wn: really?
[17:33] b73akd0wn: ::laughs.::
[17:33] KarmaTheStrange: New York is where everything happens
[17:33] KarmaTheStrange: and you're talented enough to make it
[17:33] b73akd0wn: aww.
[17:33] KarmaTheStrange: yeah everything happens for a reason
[17:33] KarmaTheStrange: I'm beginning to believe that

Session Start (AIM - b73akd0wn:CPPie): Sat Dec 28 2002:
[03:22] b73akd0wn: know what's funny?
[03:23] CPPie: huh
[03:24] b73akd0wn: when I first had the inkling of doing this, I could mentally figure out the logistics and everything, but emotionally I wasn't feeling it.
[03:24] b73akd0wn: I could see why it was a good idea, but I didn't feel that it was a good idea.
[03:24] b73akd0wn: but I kept pressing forward with it anyway.
[03:24] CPPie: and now?
[03:24] b73akd0wn: and now I can smell the streets.
[03:24] b73akd0wn:
[03:24] b73akd0wn: I just realized that.
[03:24] b73akd0wn: I can picture the skyscrapers.
[03:24] b73akd0wn: and the snow.
[03:24] b73akd0wn: and the people.
[03:25] CPPie: that's a good attitude
[03:26] b73akd0wn: I think so.
[03:26] b73akd0wn: I just realized that I am feeling like this'll work out.
[03:26] b73akd0wn: instead of before when I could explain why, but there was no emotion to it.
[03:27] CPPie: yay
[03:27] b73akd0wn: this is big.
[03:27] CPPie: totally
[03:27] CPPie: this is bigger than big
[03:27] CPPie: you're doing it
[03:27] CPPie: going out on your own
[03:27] CPPie: making your life, not having your life made.
[03:28] b73akd0wn: ::grabs him and runs around in circles.::
[03:28] b73akd0wn: perry this is so scary! haha!

Session Start (AIM - b73akd0wn:AP Patrick): Sat Dec 28 2002:
[23:42] b73akd0wn: I bought the ticket.
[23:42] AP Patrick: ohmy… it's done are you feeling better? scared?
[23:43] b73akd0wn: both better and scared at the same time.
[23:43] AP Patrick: i understand man.

I love my friends. So this is it folks. I bought the ticket. I leave the night of January 9. "all my bags are packed, I'm ready to go…."

But I'm still so terrified. So it helps to have people who're supporting me.

29 December 2002 at 12:47 am | No Comments »
chatlogs, in a category all its own, NYC

I got my closure with Tommy. I feel finally free to go now.

This is looking a lot better for me now.

28 December 2002 at 7:45 pm | No Comments »
the daily things, closure, moving, tommy

And once again, here's the update on my whereabouts. I promise, at some point soon I'll begin updating regularily again. I fucking made a new layout but I'm having bizarre problems with the website so I can't upload it. Ah well. Hopefully soon.

Things between Tommy and I did not work out. Unfortunately I realized too late in this that the decision to move down here was too rash. I expected things to be different and they weren't. And because of that I'm afraid I fucked things up with us. I was asking for too much from him and I realized too late that he couldn't live up to that.

So this is what I am planning to do.

I believe I am moving to New York City. The Big Apple. Etc. I realize it's a jump from everything I've ever known but I am actually feeling good about it.

Though that's not completely honest. I've always loved New York. I've always wanted to live there. But I never actually saw myself doing it.

So it was during a fight between he and I where the first inkling of actually going there came up. And even when I said that that's where I wanted to go, it was like I wasn't actually saying it.

But I thought more about it. Mentioned the idea to people. And actually, for once, the feedback I got was largely positive. I had only two people suggest that I think further about it before making a decision. Even my parents were supportive. Their only requirement was that I called them constantly and informed them if I ever left the house. Sigh.

So I ruminated on the issue. And I could come up with a thousand reasons why it was a great idea. I would be able to get back into music and theatre up there. And XY is moving to New York in 2003, so there's a plan. I'm gonna hijack them and make them employ me. Watch out Kevin! Bwah!

I thought of so many reasons why I should go. And I could think up reasons to shoot down whatever reasons why I shouldn't. It seemed like a win-win situation, even though I realize that NYC will probably take one look at me, laugh, chew me up, and spit me back out on the pavement.

But quite frankly, right now I'm excited about getting digested.

This was a slow realization. Because while it sounded like a good idea, I didn't feel it. Know what I mean? My mind was already there but for some reason my heart wouldn't follow. I'm sure a good bit of that is Tommy. I tried again when his flight got in yesterday to patch things up. Not to date again, because unfortunately I think we're broken beyond that. But I would rather have him not hate me on my way out. I don't know. I guess there's nothing I can do to change that.

So I believe I've found a place in Brooklyn. My friend Patrick, who lives in Harlem, cautions me about it and wants me to actually be there before moving in, so he's agreed (much to my surprise and incredible gratitude) to let me stay there for a bit to check the city out. Which makes me feel better, because I'm not jumping right into a contract. It will also be a bit of a safety net, in the event I realize I've got no hope of surviving. I can go someplace else before becoming homeless.

And that's incredible that he offered that, because I hadn't even thought of asking. It almost made me cry. Because it's nice to have an ally going into some terrifying place like that all alone.

And the more I did this, the more I made it real, the real-er it became for me emotionally. Until just a few moments ago I made the realization that I felt good about the idea. I could smell the streets. I could see the skyscrapers. I could see the crowds. I could feel the freezing weather.

Fucking hell, I will get snow!

So I feel good about this now. And the slow way I came to feeling good about it actually makes me feel better. Because for once, this wasn't a rash, grab-the-first-thing option.

Tommy hates me though. And I wish he didn't. I really wish he didn't.

But I can't force friendship on him. Maybe one day he'll change his mind.

Finally, uh, I'm gonna start taking donations. Uh. Yeah. I think I'm serious. Anyone interested in making a donation to the Save Josh Fund can give me an email and I will love you forever and see what we can do. Mwah.

You guys' support is what I love, and what really, really matters to me.

Mwah. Mwah.

28 December 2002 at 3:05 am | No Comments »
hear ye!, shutterbugs

• Noa
  ("Notre Dame de Paris")
  You need to download Flash if you see this message.

Ave Maria
Pardonne-moi
Si devant toi
Je me tiens debout
Ave Maria
Moi qui ne sais pas me mettre a genoux
Ave Maria
Protege-moi
De la misere, du mal et des fous
Qui regnent sur la terre
Ave Maria
Des etrangers il en vient de partout
Ave Maria
Ecoute-moi
Fais tomber les barrieres entre nous
Qui sommes tous des freres
Ave Maria
Veille sur mes jours et sue mes nuits
Ave Maria
Protege-moi
Veille sur mon amour et ma vie
Ave Maria

26 December 2002 at 9:45 pm | No Comments »
soundtrack

Merry Christmas.

25 December 2002 at 4:01 pm | No Comments »
the daily things

I realize that this website has quickly turned into just a lyrics post, and for that I apologise. You see, my world has fantastically shattered around me as of late, and I'm doing my best to recover.

I am morbidly depressed. In a way that I've never been able to experience before, and it makes me wonder a bit at the depression I have gone through. It was nothing like this. So that makes me worry.

But. I am trying to get through it. Trying.

25 December 2002 at 3:56 pm | No Comments »
bitching

• Alicia Keys, feat. Jimmy Cozier
  ("Songs in A Minor")
  You need to download Flash if you see this message.

something about the way you smiled at me
just drove me wild
wish I could know if you're alone,
don't wanna cramp your style
but I cannot deny the feel that I feel
when I look straight into your eyes
feel my heart beating fast for a challenge may arise

I wanna know if you feel the way I do
I wanna know if there's a chance for me and you
if there's no way, meet at the bar and you say can't
cos I don't wanna be unfair to Mr. Man

like the way you've given me attention
through the night
maybe I've had too much Remy,
my man's right by my side
every time I catch you watching me,
feel something down my spine
I'll play the game; it's just for fun and only for tonight

I wanna know what makes you feel the way you do
I think you're hoping there's a chance for me and you
should I meet you at the bar and say we can't?
cos I don't wanna be unfair to Mr. Man

I know all you wanna know is answers
cos you could give me what I need
you could give me everything I need
we both know that we're attracted
should we let our desires lead?

I wanna know if you feel the way I do
I wanna know if there's a chance for me and you
if there's no way, meet at the bar and say you can't
cos I don't wanna be unfair to Mr. Man

24 December 2002 at 9:39 pm | No Comments »
soundtrack