Merry Christmas to all. I went over to C.S.' house to spend the holiday with him and his immediate family, since for all purposes his family has become my extended family in New York. They're all a group of wonderful little bastards, and if not for them and their incredible generosity, I wouldn't've had a birthday either.

But they made my Christmas a very special one, even forgiving the fact that it didn't snow. My parents, who didn't even call and "are too poor" to send me anything this year, have never lived up to what he and his family did for me.

They didn't have a lot, and that's what touched me the most. Because I looked at them, and I looked at what they did have, and what they did do for each other, and they still found a way to bring me into it and make me feel like I was apart of everything. It touched me. They got me gifts, too.

Wednesday morning, about fifteen minutes before I left for work, I pulled out my tarot deck and did myself a quick reading. The question I asked was, "What is the liklihood that I'll be able to make bills and rent in time this month?" The answer I got was not just positive, but strongly positive, which really made me confused because I didn't see how I'd be able to, short of a monetary miracle. So, while the reading made me feel a bit better, I didn't think it was likely to happen, especially since I'd forsaken my 12-8 temp job in favor of the new one that I like a lot more.

But then as I sat earlier and mentally calculated everything I've made this month and how much I've got left in savings and so forth, I realised with a jolt that– as long as I don't buy anything else, mind you– I've made enough to definitely pay rent this month. The bills I can take care of once I get my first insurance cheque of the year, provided, ofcourse, that I'm still getting the cheques. But. All in all, I think I got my subtle miracle.

It's been a good Christmas, and I feel better too. My new bosses even got me a present.

So I'm taking this oppourtunity, since everyone has now momentarily vacated the office, to stretch my time here and write an update.

Yes, folks, I'm finally in a job where I'm allowed to use a workstation that is internet-equipped. I so deserve this.

The atmosphere is great. It's unfortunate that this is only a part-time thing, cos I could totally get used to the lax attitude.

But my lunch is almost here, so off I shall now scurry.

I can't fall asleep. Part of it is jittery nerves, part of it is probably my previous sleep schedule of all day napping, and now I'm paying for it. But I can't seem to fall back asleep.

I think I'll probably go take a shower and read. Yeah.

Bye.

As I labour around in my very emaciated kitchen, making hambuger helper, I shall speak about my day, and how I had my divine revelation for the month which shook my world and restored my faith in most of the universe.

When I got home today, I set about doing the errands I promised myself I'd do. I called the Legal Aid Society, I left messages, I applied for my weekly benefits. Then I settled into bed, and I began to meditate. I haven't done this a lot lately…. Well, a lot in recent years. So it felt good to sit and clear my mind and focus my energy elsewhere. I meditated, pulled energy towards me, focused on finding a job, correcting the stressful wavelengths I was caught in, and prayed.

Then suddenly, completely breaking me from the trance and slamming me back into my body, the phone rang. I was irritated, because generally I would remember to shut it off before going under.

I looked at the caller ID; wasn't a number I knew, so I let it go to voicemail, then promptly checked the message. It was a call from someone I'd emailed my resume to this morning. So I called right back, and the man I spoke to was insistent that I meet him later tonight. So, resigning myself to not getting any sleep at all but very happy that this was a Sign, I fell into a brief nap of about five hours before my alarm went off and I rushed off to meet him.

His office, which is something to do with real estate, is in Chelsea. I like Chelsea, despite its over-gayness. So I scurried over, and I interviewed, and I got the job.

Don't get too excited, however, since this is very very part-time. It's not even guaranteed to be every week. But there's a possibility that something bigger will develop from it, and that's what I need. Possibility. Hope. And everything else will get better now.

I've been dreaming a lot about one of the managers I used to have at the bowling alley. The one I hated the most, who made me the most uncomfortable, who made working any shift with him the most unbearable, who ultimately made me really quit. The dreams I've had about him are, curiously enough, nearly identical to the dreams I've had about my father over the years. Not in the scene or shape, but the meaning, and how I feel.

I'm always in some position of subservience. Most of the dreams involving the manager centre around, no real surprise, a work environment. And he's always yelling at me and berating me the way he did in real life, but in the dream I'm powerless to stop it. I have no say in the matter, I have no control. So he belittles me and critiscises me, and I take it.

He was the one they sent to the hearing. I half-hoped that no one would show at all, but I knew if someone did, it'd be him.

So I had another dream about him last night before I got up to get ready for work. And it was a pretty bad one, with traces of the emotions it stirred in me still lingering in my head well into my shift. I've been so busy feeling sorry for myself the past two months since I quit that I forget to reflect on why it was I quit. It's probably not any more constructive, but it keeps me from blaming myself.

I thought, today around 6:30 AM, about my situation. And I thought, he's the reason why I'm broker than before, now. I know he's not, ofcourse, but it was his shitty attitude and the way the other managers put up with and encouraged it that allowed it to go on. And that atmosphere was why I quit. Yes, I hold myself responsible for the quitting, but I wasn't going to sit in a job I hated and be told I was shit. It wasn't the army.

And unlike my dreams, I did have control.

So this morning, I latched onto him. I was angry. Angry enough that I started to shake, right in the middle of keying up unemployment insurance witholding forms. And, as if it was truly a sign from the universe, the one I was looking at and coding completely automatically was the form from the last quarter for the bowling alley.

I was furious. I went to the bathroom, and I decided right in that moment to fight him. To fight that company. I was abused, and I was not wrong for saying "fuck that" and leaving. The lawyer at the hearing tried to make me think I was. He said, according to the New York State unemployment laws, I was eligible for benefits if I did a job that was shitty and I was fired, but not if I did what I was told fully with every fibre of my abilities, put up with the shit I was thrown, and finally decided enough was enough and left them to fester in their own pile of hatred.

That's fucking ridiculous.

And I'm not going to take it. I called up the insurance hotline this morning and applied for benefits. Then I called the Legal Aid Society and left a message. I'm going to get a lawyer. And I'm going to appeal the judge's decision. Because it's not fair that I should lose out on what I earned because of them. I will go to the next hearing with two guns blazing, and I will not be stopped, or ridiculed, or be made to feel that I'm wrong for thinking that I've got rights which include something more than being abused because someone has an insignificantly small penis and feels that he should take that shortcoming out on the rest of the world. Grow up.

I called the only other roommate-possibility up today. It was only out of desperation, because I really did not like him, and really did not want him to live with me. But as it turns out, he found a place of his own anyway, so it saved me the trouble. I'll find something. I'm going to get by, because I have to. I'm going to get by because no one else is going to get by for me. And I'll be fucking damned if I'm going to fall, not when I've got other motherfuckers to spite while I'm still up and kicking. And that's a promise, you ugly Dominican bastard.

(The aforementioned outburst was intended in no way as a derrogatory slur to Dominicans. Just one in particular. And I hope he rots.)

I'm getting ready to head out to the first day of my temp job. I've been in a pretty general sense of malaise lately. It's probably largely due to the fact that I've got little over a week to find a third roommate and come up with some way to pay for rent and bills again this month. I'm aggrivated with this cycle I'm in. Before I didn't quite feel that I was living so month-to-month. But now that's exactly what it is.

But at least I'm making some money. Whether it comes in time to make a difference remains to be seen.

I don't know, perhaps I shouldn't be so pity-inducing everytime I talk on here. Things are pretty out of control right now, in a way that I don't think they ever really have been. It's one thing when I know what I need to do, and there's a way to do it that I'm having trouble with, but right now I don't feel like there's a path I can walk down. I see a goal, but I don't see a way to get there. And now there are all these external factors around me, like my old roommates leaving, and new ones (hopefully!) coming in. Things are getting shaken up around here, and I guess I'm afraid.

Anyway, I need to go make lunch my midnight snack. I'll write more when I get home tomorrow morning.

Disclaimer: I'm a bit tipsy, and quite tired, so. Bear with me.

C.S. came over earlier and we sat around and watched movies, and as one of my vacating roommates gave me full access to the liquour cabinet (well, what she hadn't carried out with her to pack up), I decided to take advantage of it. C.S. used to bartend, so we made ourselves a drink and settled in front of the television.

I still need to find a third roommate, and yesterday I got a letter from the department of labor in regards to my unemployment hearing. The bad news is that the judge decided that I wasn't qualified for unemployment, but the small silver lining was that he didn't decide to make me repay what I'd already received. I've got basically a week to decide whether or not to appeal. I'm debating it; I wonder if it might just be easier to leave while I'm ahead and deal with the money loss.

Sigh. I need a job.

Shout out of the entry: Go check out zenchick. She's been reading and commenting for a while now and I've kept meaning to mention her, but I've forgotten. Here's your star, girl.

He told me I wouldn't post it. I replied that he didn't know me all that well, then.

Joshie the Penguin, as sung by C.S. and left on my phone as a voicemail.

Admire his artistry, folks.

• You need to download Flash if you see this message.

• Sarah McLachlan
  ("Afterglow")
  You need to download Flash if you see this message.

heaven bent to take my hand
and lead me through the fire
be the long awaited answer
to a long and painful fight

truth be told I've tried my best
but somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
and the cost was so much more than I could bear

though I've tried, I've fallen…
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
better I should know
so don't come round here
and tell me I told you so

we all begin with good intent
love was raw and young
we believed that we could change ourselves
the past could be undone
but we carry on our backs the burden
time always reveals
the lonely light of morning
the wound that would not heal
it's the bitter taste of losing everything
that I have held so dear

I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
better I should know
so don't come round here
and tell me I told you so

heaven bent to take my hand
nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
to everyone I know
oh they turned their heads embarassed
pretend that they don't see
but it's one missed step
you'll slip before you know it
and there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

though I've tried, I've fallen…
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
better I should know
so don't come round here
and tell me I told you so

This is the best paragraph I've ever read in all my existance:

"A first-time submissive is usually easy to handle and eager to please. It takes months before they start becoming devious, manipulative bottoms. This one was no different and I came out with the cleanest shoes outside a Russell & Bromley. His belt was also put to good use. Working for a safer London, that's me."

I felt it entirely too good to not post.

And now the rain has started.

I have a new favourite website. Belle de Jour. What could I love more than a journal by a british prostitute??

It's something strange to me, escorting, something I've always had some slightly macabre fascination with. I mean, it's highly unlikely that I'd ever do that, ofcourse I said the same about pornography and still I interviewed for one once.

Ah, that's a story I've never posted up in here. Well.

It wasn't any big deal, and it happened within the first month that I'd moved to New York, in that general haze of new-ness and stress that's wiped out a lot of my memory. I saw an ad somewhere for models and mostly because (not that I wanted to do porn) I wanted to be told that if I so wished, I could be filmed having sex with guys, I responded to it and fairly shortly set up an interview with an agency. I went in, looking my sexiest, though again when I really had no interest in doing anything I find it amusing I even put gel in my hair for the part.

I went in, the interview was really rather sterile, as was the subsequent stripping and hardon-attempt. Ofcourse this was the first time I'd ever been naked in front of more than one guy at a time, not to mention that they were fully clothed themselves, so I don't think I was quite up-to-par. He took a picture, asked me my sexual habits, then proceeded to inform me that my dick was not large enough to be filmed fucking people, but I could easily be taped getting impaled by several foot-long objects. I declined and took the picture on my way out.

It didn't bug me any, because I'd researched the company and I saw that the dick-size they considered for their "tops" were all astronomical, and every guy I've slept with afterward and told that story to adamently assured me that they would gladly write me into any porno they'd created.

A friend of mine who moved to NYC some time after I did reconnected with me recently. It turns out he's also turned down the sex-for-money route, and it kindof makes me sad. Except with this british girl her life seems darkly glamourous.

Lord knows I'd be able to get a laptop a lot sooner if I did it, but I don't know. I've a feeling that it wouldn't be quite so glamourous for me, nor would I be able to survive the first 50 year old who wanted me to touch him.

C.S. asked me earlier if I felt some apprehension now that the bills are all in my name. I told him no. My apprehension lies in the fact that I'm really running low on time and still I don't have someone to fill the other room. Sally Fields finally got back to me and said she couldn't move in. But she extended the offer to keep in touch because she liked me a lot, and she even offered to help me update my resume. I like her a lot.

Then there's another guy who at this moment is my last hope. I don't like him particularily, because he's way too assertive, and I worry about another difficult roommate situation like the ones I've had before. But he's only half interested in the place anyway, so maybe I'll get lucky and find somebody else and so will he.

Then the couple who lives here, in the room I haven't filled yet, continues to bother me about the security deposit and such, as if they think that I'm not making an effourt to find a third roommate. I swear, I can't wait for them to leave.

I'm stressed. Looking back on my entries today I realise that I've always been stressed though, and yet I've always bounced back from it. I don't know what it is, it's not strength of character, maybe perhaps resolve and determination and universal luck, but whatever factours contribute to my resilence, may they stay in my aura forever.

If you can't tell, I'm deleriously sleepy.

I love you all!

Well the new layout's finally completely finished. I must severely thank Katrie, without whom I wouldn't have done any of the CSS. It's the first layout I think I've ever done that won't be resolution-specific. Thus, it'll work on everyone's computer, no matter how large or small their monitors might be.

Now that I've had the time (thirteen hours of coding) to get more familiar with Moveable Type, I imagine I like it a lot more than I did yesterday.

I went through each entry by hand today to make sure that they were all formatted correctly. For the most part I left links as-is, knowing very well that many of the links to specific entries in the journal will now no longer work. The reason being for this is that this page has always been to me more of a journal than a website, and it's not like I go back through my old offline journal entries with white-out to correct information. But that's why I decided to implement the search-feature. I've been meaning to put one in for a long time just for my own needs, but now if you come across a link to another entry that doesn't exist, search for the keywords and it'll likely appear.

Yesterday was spent transferring all of the bills into my name. It was a really easy process, and I was surprised about that. But now I'm all set. Next month, everything will be my responsibility. I just wish I felt secure that next month won't be my last month here.

The layout's changed again because, in order to spite him, I went through the ridculous, headache-inducing process of removing Greymatter and installing Moveable Type. I guess it was worth it though, even though the layout templates are giving me a further migrane. I wouldn't expect this design to stay; it was only around so I could make sure my entries were imported correctly, and it will very likely go as soon as I get inspired enough.

So this weekend was not a happy one for me. In the space of a few days, I've extricated three friends from my life, never to be heard from again if I have anything to do with it. I heard back from the temp agency; the company that they were trying to set me up with decided to go with someone else, the restaurant also felt the same. So. No job. I calculated my finances, and since I luckily got an unemployment cheque this week, as long as I work four days a week during the holidays, I should be able to scrape by from the temp job.

Unnh, stress. It'd be nice once things get easier.

I hate you, Greymatter.

It's started to snow again, a week or so after all the little flakes of muddy wetness evaporated from my neighbourhood.

I still need to find a third roommate, but all in all I feel a bit better about everything. I don't feel like everything's so out-of-control.

La la la!

I sold one of the apartments yesterday. Last night another guy came by to look at the rooms, and he came with a friend, and we ended up chatting and hanging out for nearly two hours. He's a teacher at some school in Brooklyn, but apparently it's not the happiest of schools because he was surprised that I didn't know all about its reputation from the name alone. He was fun. Probably gay, dunno though.

I can't have gay people living over, because if they're gay and cute, I'll want to sleep with them, and if they're gay and ugly, they'll want to sleep with me. But he's cute enough to be intriguing, but not cute enough that I believe I'll start having fantasies of. I'm not Kevin; I don't want that sortof relationship with my roommates.

So I have to find one more roommates, and that part will be settled. And I got a call from my temp agency yesterday letting me know that the old assignment I had working 12 AM - 8 AM is avaliable again. After moaning and debating, I finally called them back and signed up for it. It's the only hope I have of making rent this month, and if I end up getting a full-time job I can always leave early.

So. While still stressful, and while the threads of possibilities are still whipping and winding by, I'm feeling a little more in control than I was last week.

So I must give mad props to Kevin. I put an ad up online advertising the apartment, and got no responses from it. For two weeks. He told me I should rewrite it. So I did, and he helped, and last night, which was the first night since it was posted, I got four emails. At once.

So. Fuck you.

Two people stopped by and I checked them out. One of them was a sweet lady who looked a lot like Sally Fields, and I loved her to death and I really want her to move in. She seemed awesome. We talked on the phone for a while, and she said to me at one point, "I should tell you something though." Her voice got low and secretive, and sounded kindof guilty.

"What's that?" I asked.

"I'm a bit of a neat-freak."

"Oh, that's okay. I am too."

"No, I mean. I'm a neat-freak. Like, if someone pees in the shower. They can't tell me. I'll scrub it out before I use it."

To which I responded, ofcourse:

"OH MY GOD I'M EXACTLY THE SAME WAY!"

So I liked her a lot. And I want her to move in. Then I had someone else come by last night, and someone else come by this morning, and the guy this morning was Nick, and he was supposed to come between 9 and 10, and by about 9:15 (though I was still asleep) I became conscious enough to realise that he hadn't called, so I scrolled through my phonebook blindly until I got to the first "Nick," dialed it on my home number, left a message. Fifteen minutes later, Nick called me.

Except, on my cell phone, his name didn't come up as Nick. It came up as "Roommate Nick." Which was not the number I had called and left a message on this morning.

So my immediate thought was that the number was from some old trick I'd met at some point a while ago, cos I don't remember any Nicks whatsoever, meaning that it had to have been a very old number.

So I deleted the number from my phonebook.

Then I checked my mail, and I came across this letter I'd received last night, from another prospective roommate, also named Nick. Who I imagine I probably called this morning, voice cracky and slurred with sleep. Course I don't know for sure, since I deleted the number.

I can only hope I was coherent enough that he doesn't avoid me from now on.

It's currently stormingstorming outside, and I don't wanna walk the four blocks it takes to get to the grocery store. Grr.

My court hearing was yesterday. I shant speculate on how it went, all I can say is that I gave the agent who handled the first appeal less of my side of the story than the judge yesterday got, and she still ruled in my favour. And if nothing else, I can always appeal. And appeal.

I saw Kevin yesterday. C.S. and I went into the city after the trial (hah) and met up with him at lunch. It was nifty. I gave him a table as his housewarming gift.

I forgot to mention a while back that the letter I wrote to PJ came back to me as Return to Sender. Something about insufficent address, which I guess means he lived in an apartment complex and I didn't know it. Either that or he doesn't live at that address anymore.

Ah, PJ. You're a tough cracker to get a hold of.

I'm going to punch one of my other roommates in the face before the day's through. I was sitting in the living room, watching tv and using my other computer for the DSL connection, when I started getting a really awful headache. It kept getting worse and then I noticed a strange smell. It took me a while and then things clicked. My bitchy, passive-aggressive roommate was in her room smoking pot.

I haven't smelled it since I moved out of my parents' house, but it was unmistakable. Kevin and I argued over whether or not the pot would make the very large, black stick up her ass fall out. I said it wouldn't. I was right, cos as soon as she finished she came into the living room to bitch at me to get off of my computer. Grrr.

My unemployment hearing is tomorrow. I'll admit, I am nervous about it, but I feel very strongly that I'm going to win. I just wish I didn't have to deal with things like this all at once.

Kevin and I made up, which makes me feel better. I'm glad he's doing okay. I'm dragging C.S. out with me tomorrow too, cos none of the lawyers I contacted all of last week have returned my phone calls, so I'm gonna have to go in it alone. But I'll do okay.

And then tomorrow as well I will hear from the lady who I interviewed for the apartment last weekend. I'm pretty sure she's going to move in, since we got along really well. She said it was only a matter of cost, and unless she finds something equatable for less, she'd be happy to move in. ::crosses fingers.::

And since I put that new picture of me up on hotornot, I went from a 7 with the other picture all the way to a 9.4. I am badass.