Session Start (AIM - breakdown:C.S.): Thu Apr 24 21:11:23 2003
[21:11] breakdown: madonna's on will and grace.
[21:11] breakdown: and I am watching it.
[21:11] breakdown: and I just realized.
[21:11] breakdown: I don't know why.
[21:11] C.S.: lol
[21:11] breakdown: I mean. I like madonna.
[21:11] C.S.: its genetic predisposition.
[21:11] breakdown: but. not extremely. I don't own any of her cds. and. I've never seen one of her concerts.
[21:11] breakdown: YES! I think that's what it is!
[21:12] breakdown: I think it's like those turtles that are born on a specific beach and then ten years later they return to that same beach to lay their own eggs because they have some internal response and instinct the forces and drives them to do something.
[21:12] C.S.: LOLOL… yes. we are drawn to madonnas.
[21:12] breakdown: I'm watching the show not because I'm a madonna fan, but because I am gay and I have no control over what I do when madonna is doing anything.
[21:13] C.S.: LOL exactly.

24 April 2003 at 9:15 pm | No Comments »
chatlogs

Well.

I must apologise for not updating in nearly a month. For a while I was unable to, but even when life got a smidge normal I, for some reason or other, just did not feel up to writing about it or anything that's been going on.

I got trapped in a very deep, disgusting pit of feeling sorry for myself, though at the time I didn't realize that at all. I thought I was being brave. I thought I was being given loads of shit and taking it in strides, but oh, not whining, not feeling bad for myself or the situation I was in.

And then, one day, as I was lying on the couch of the friend I am living with now, and I was wondering, "God, what did I do to deserve being in this place right now?" instead of the usual silence I get, for one of the few times in my life, I heard an answer.

"Because you decided to move to New York, you idiot."

And then I realized it. I realized how I've been sounding to every person I've met since coming here. How I've sounded to all my old friends I left behind when I came here, to all the people I still talk to now. To all those people who told me I was brave for what I did. They were either being nice and not stating the obvious ("you DID want to come here, whiny boy"), or they totally did not grasp the picture.

I've been whining uncontrollably, and I haven't been understanding why I've been so depressed, and why I've just been in a bad mood every day. And it's because I did this to myself.

And thus, I lose all bitching rights.

It wasn't a big realization, but it was enough.

Because somehow I feel better. And thursday I went out and applied at a new job, and I'll find out soon if I have any chance of getting it. And I've also done a bunch of other Positive-for-Josh things this week, in response to growing up and getting out of my slump.

And now I'm leaving. Because C.S. is coming over and we're gonna watch movies and have pie and have really, really good sex. Goodnight.

11 April 2003 at 10:01 pm | No Comments »
introspection