Merry Christmas to all. I went over to C.S.' house to spend the holiday with him and his immediate family, since for all purposes his family has become my extended family in New York. They're all a group of wonderful little bastards, and if not for them and their incredible generosity, I wouldn't've had a birthday either.

But they made my Christmas a very special one, even forgiving the fact that it didn't snow. My parents, who didn't even call and "are too poor" to send me anything this year, have never lived up to what he and his family did for me.

They didn't have a lot, and that's what touched me the most. Because I looked at them, and I looked at what they did have, and what they did do for each other, and they still found a way to bring me into it and make me feel like I was apart of everything. It touched me. They got me gifts, too.

Wednesday morning, about fifteen minutes before I left for work, I pulled out my tarot deck and did myself a quick reading. The question I asked was, "What is the liklihood that I'll be able to make bills and rent in time this month?" The answer I got was not just positive, but strongly positive, which really made me confused because I didn't see how I'd be able to, short of a monetary miracle. So, while the reading made me feel a bit better, I didn't think it was likely to happen, especially since I'd forsaken my 12-8 temp job in favor of the new one that I like a lot more.

But then as I sat earlier and mentally calculated everything I've made this month and how much I've got left in savings and so forth, I realised with a jolt that– as long as I don't buy anything else, mind you– I've made enough to definitely pay rent this month. The bills I can take care of once I get my first insurance cheque of the year, provided, ofcourse, that I'm still getting the cheques. But. All in all, I think I got my subtle miracle.

It's been a good Christmas, and I feel better too. My new bosses even got me a present.

26 December 2003 at 12:50 am | 1 Comment »
the daily things

So I'm taking this oppourtunity, since everyone has now momentarily vacated the office, to stretch my time here and write an update.

Yes, folks, I'm finally in a job where I'm allowed to use a workstation that is internet-equipped. I so deserve this.

The atmosphere is great. It's unfortunate that this is only a part-time thing, cos I could totally get used to the lax attitude.

But my lunch is almost here, so off I shall now scurry.

23 December 2003 at 1:36 pm | No Comments »
hear ye!, the daily things

I can't fall asleep. Part of it is jittery nerves, part of it is probably my previous sleep schedule of all day napping, and now I'm paying for it. But I can't seem to fall back asleep.

I think I'll probably go take a shower and read. Yeah.

Bye.

23 December 2003 at 3:51 am | 1 Comment »
the daily things

As I labour around in my very emaciated kitchen, making hambuger helper, I shall speak about my day, and how I had my divine revelation for the month which shook my world and restored my faith in most of the universe.

When I got home today, I set about doing the errands I promised myself I'd do. I called the Legal Aid Society, I left messages, I applied for my weekly benefits. Then I settled into bed, and I began to meditate. I haven't done this a lot lately…. Well, a lot in recent years. So it felt good to sit and clear my mind and focus my energy elsewhere. I meditated, pulled energy towards me, focused on finding a job, correcting the stressful wavelengths I was caught in, and prayed.

Then suddenly, completely breaking me from the trance and slamming me back into my body, the phone rang. I was irritated, because generally I would remember to shut it off before going under.

I looked at the caller ID; wasn't a number I knew, so I let it go to voicemail, then promptly checked the message. It was a call from someone I'd emailed my resume to this morning. So I called right back, and the man I spoke to was insistent that I meet him later tonight. So, resigning myself to not getting any sleep at all but very happy that this was a Sign, I fell into a brief nap of about five hours before my alarm went off and I rushed off to meet him.

His office, which is something to do with real estate, is in Chelsea. I like Chelsea, despite its over-gayness. So I scurried over, and I interviewed, and I got the job.

Don't get too excited, however, since this is very very part-time. It's not even guaranteed to be every week. But there's a possibility that something bigger will develop from it, and that's what I need. Possibility. Hope. And everything else will get better now.

22 December 2003 at 10:11 pm | No Comments »
the daily things

I've been dreaming a lot about one of the managers I used to have at the bowling alley. The one I hated the most, who made me the most uncomfortable, who made working any shift with him the most unbearable, who ultimately made me really quit. The dreams I've had about him are, curiously enough, nearly identical to the dreams I've had about my father over the years. Not in the scene or shape, but the meaning, and how I feel.

I'm always in some position of subservience. Most of the dreams involving the manager centre around, no real surprise, a work environment. And he's always yelling at me and berating me the way he did in real life, but in the dream I'm powerless to stop it. I have no say in the matter, I have no control. So he belittles me and critiscises me, and I take it.

He was the one they sent to the hearing. I half-hoped that no one would show at all, but I knew if someone did, it'd be him.

So I had another dream about him last night before I got up to get ready for work. And it was a pretty bad one, with traces of the emotions it stirred in me still lingering in my head well into my shift. I've been so busy feeling sorry for myself the past two months since I quit that I forget to reflect on why it was I quit. It's probably not any more constructive, but it keeps me from blaming myself.

I thought, today around 6:30 AM, about my situation. And I thought, he's the reason why I'm broker than before, now. I know he's not, ofcourse, but it was his shitty attitude and the way the other managers put up with and encouraged it that allowed it to go on. And that atmosphere was why I quit. Yes, I hold myself responsible for the quitting, but I wasn't going to sit in a job I hated and be told I was shit. It wasn't the army.

And unlike my dreams, I did have control.

So this morning, I latched onto him. I was angry. Angry enough that I started to shake, right in the middle of keying up unemployment insurance witholding forms. And, as if it was truly a sign from the universe, the one I was looking at and coding completely automatically was the form from the last quarter for the bowling alley.

I was furious. I went to the bathroom, and I decided right in that moment to fight him. To fight that company. I was abused, and I was not wrong for saying "fuck that" and leaving. The lawyer at the hearing tried to make me think I was. He said, according to the New York State unemployment laws, I was eligible for benefits if I did a job that was shitty and I was fired, but not if I did what I was told fully with every fibre of my abilities, put up with the shit I was thrown, and finally decided enough was enough and left them to fester in their own pile of hatred.

That's fucking ridiculous.

And I'm not going to take it. I called up the insurance hotline this morning and applied for benefits. Then I called the Legal Aid Society and left a message. I'm going to get a lawyer. And I'm going to appeal the judge's decision. Because it's not fair that I should lose out on what I earned because of them. I will go to the next hearing with two guns blazing, and I will not be stopped, or ridiculed, or be made to feel that I'm wrong for thinking that I've got rights which include something more than being abused because someone has an insignificantly small penis and feels that he should take that shortcoming out on the rest of the world. Grow up.

I called the only other roommate-possibility up today. It was only out of desperation, because I really did not like him, and really did not want him to live with me. But as it turns out, he found a place of his own anyway, so it saved me the trouble. I'll find something. I'm going to get by, because I have to. I'm going to get by because no one else is going to get by for me. And I'll be fucking damned if I'm going to fall, not when I've got other motherfuckers to spite while I'm still up and kicking. And that's a promise, you ugly Dominican bastard.

(The aforementioned outburst was intended in no way as a derrogatory slur to Dominicans. Just one in particular. And I hope he rots.)

22 December 2003 at 10:33 am | No Comments »
bitching, dreams

I'm getting ready to head out to the first day of my temp job. I've been in a pretty general sense of malaise lately. It's probably largely due to the fact that I've got little over a week to find a third roommate and come up with some way to pay for rent and bills again this month. I'm aggrivated with this cycle I'm in. Before I didn't quite feel that I was living so month-to-month. But now that's exactly what it is.

But at least I'm making some money. Whether it comes in time to make a difference remains to be seen.

I don't know, perhaps I shouldn't be so pity-inducing everytime I talk on here. Things are pretty out of control right now, in a way that I don't think they ever really have been. It's one thing when I know what I need to do, and there's a way to do it that I'm having trouble with, but right now I don't feel like there's a path I can walk down. I see a goal, but I don't see a way to get there. And now there are all these external factors around me, like my old roommates leaving, and new ones (hopefully!) coming in. Things are getting shaken up around here, and I guess I'm afraid.

Anyway, I need to go make lunch my midnight snack. I'll write more when I get home tomorrow morning.

21 December 2003 at 8:57 pm | 1 Comment »
the daily things

Disclaimer: I'm a bit tipsy, and quite tired, so. Bear with me.

C.S. came over earlier and we sat around and watched movies, and as one of my vacating roommates gave me full access to the liquour cabinet (well, what she hadn't carried out with her to pack up), I decided to take advantage of it. C.S. used to bartend, so we made ourselves a drink and settled in front of the television.

I still need to find a third roommate, and yesterday I got a letter from the department of labor in regards to my unemployment hearing. The bad news is that the judge decided that I wasn't qualified for unemployment, but the small silver lining was that he didn't decide to make me repay what I'd already received. I've got basically a week to decide whether or not to appeal. I'm debating it; I wonder if it might just be easier to leave while I'm ahead and deal with the money loss.

Sigh. I need a job.

Shout out of the entry: Go check out zenchick. She's been reading and commenting for a while now and I've kept meaning to mention her, but I've forgotten. Here's your star, girl.

20 December 2003 at 5:32 am | 1 Comment »
bitching

He told me I wouldn't post it. I replied that he didn't know me all that well, then.

Joshie the Penguin, as sung by C.S. and left on my phone as a voicemail.

Admire his artistry, folks.

• You need to download Flash if you see this message.

19 December 2003 at 6:31 am | No Comments »
hear ye!

• Sarah McLachlan
  ("Afterglow")
  You need to download Flash if you see this message.

heaven bent to take my hand
and lead me through the fire
be the long awaited answer
to a long and painful fight

truth be told I've tried my best
but somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
and the cost was so much more than I could bear

though I've tried, I've fallen…
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
better I should know
so don't come round here
and tell me I told you so

we all begin with good intent
love was raw and young
we believed that we could change ourselves
the past could be undone
but we carry on our backs the burden
time always reveals
the lonely light of morning
the wound that would not heal
it's the bitter taste of losing everything
that I have held so dear

I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
better I should know
so don't come round here
and tell me I told you so

heaven bent to take my hand
nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
to everyone I know
oh they turned their heads embarassed
pretend that they don't see
but it's one missed step
you'll slip before you know it
and there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

though I've tried, I've fallen…
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
better I should know
so don't come round here
and tell me I told you so

19 December 2003 at 1:38 am | 2 Comments »
soundtrack

This is the best paragraph I've ever read in all my existance:

"A first-time submissive is usually easy to handle and eager to please. It takes months before they start becoming devious, manipulative bottoms. This one was no different and I came out with the cleanest shoes outside a Russell & Bromley. His belt was also put to good use. Working for a safer London, that's me."

I felt it entirely too good to not post.

17 December 2003 at 5:48 pm | No Comments »
in a category all its own