• Fiona Apple
  ("When the Pawn….")
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I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star
to pray on, or wish on, or something like that
I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy
whose reality, I knew, was a hopeless to be had
but then the dove of hope began its downward slope
and I believed for a moment that my chances
were approaching to be grabbed
but as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag
hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
cos I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold cos these hands are too shaky to hold
hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs
too much to love
and I went crazy again today,
looking for a strand to climb
looking for a little hope
baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine,
and a fail to kiss is a fail to cope
I said, 'honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified
come on put a little love here in my void,'
he said 'it's all in your head,'
and I said, 'so's everything'
but he didn't get it
I thought he was a man but he was just a little boy
hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
cos I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold cos these hands are too shaky to hold
hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs
too much to love

31 March 2005 at 11:43 pm | No Comments »
soundtrack

• Casey Stratton
  ("Driving to the Moon - EP")
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in the stillness
in the silence there
I found I'm begging myself not to care
and you said I was never quite enough
why is it I was never quite enough?

all those moments frozen in my mind
all those goddamn feelings I have inside
and I promised not to be that way
I promised I would make you stay

but you're gone

it seems as if I always end up screwing up
I tell myself that I won't give up
until you're back here with me
until I've taught you that I can be
what you wanted; what you still want now
if you could
you could show me how?
but like you said I am never quite enough
why am I never quite enough?

10 March 2005 at 11:27 pm | 1 Comment »
soundtrack

I'm in a really foul mood.

I mean, I've been in a really foul mood all day… feeling uncomfortable and constrained like my clothes were too tight and made out of sandpaper, and feeling heavy, like I had gravity pushing down extra hard.

Part of it's my @#%!$*# job, I know. But part of it goes beyond that too.

I went to see Casey Stratton play last night. Casey Stratton is a musician that C.S. played for me in his car forever ago, at like 10 PM on some weekday when he was driving me to the first apartment I stayed at when I began my six months of couch hopping in 2003. He played a song called "Never Quite Enough" on his little cassette deck and right away I got goosebumps. So I stole the song by holding a microphone up to the speaker and recording.

X years later (last year) he released a cd under Sony Classical, which I bought up right away. It was a great cd. So it was really cool to meet him last night and get him to autograph it, and he happened to have a copy of the cd backstage that had the first song I'd heard of his, so I got that too.

And all day today I've been feeling antsy. Well since last night. Just aggrivated. Because I feel this pulse inside of me to create something, to work on my cd that'll never be done, to write my book I'll never finish, and I get this tsunami of a drive to do something, so I sit down at the keyboard, I take out my pen and my notes, and I try to play a song, I try to write something, and just like that the wave breaks and the city I expected to destroy is instead saved. I want to be bowled over by it. and when inspiration finally hits you, it barely even breaks your fall.

I just feel so ick and depressed.

10 March 2005 at 8:44 pm | No Comments »
bitching

I saw him in concert today with C.S. Very great.

9 March 2005 at 11:33 pm | 1 Comment »
shutterbugs, the daily things

I have not been having a good morning.

First I woke up ten minutes late, and you know how that goes… leave ten/twenty minutes early and you still get to work at the same time but start off just a little bit later and somehow you manage to get in three hours late.

So I woke up ten minutes late and I rushed and rushed and managed to get out of my house by 8:30, and in my rush down the street to the subway I manage to slip and bust my ass on the ice in the middle of the street, much to the amusement of many ghetto schoolchildren. Furthmore, upon examination of all brused ass parts I discovered that I'd totally fucked up my left ring finger and it was oozing blood everywhere. I was closer to the subway than home, though, and late, and without tissue or band-aids. But I kept on anyway.

Then, as I'm (slowly) flying down the steps to the train I see that the transport is indeed in the station and closing its doors. However, as I'm walking towards the front of the platform to wait for the next train the doors open and I dash in… only to have both my jacket and bag caught outside the door. I mean what the fuck. Who has that happen?

So I was convinced that my bag wouldn't make it to the next stop but somehow it did (which made me happy as it was eighty dollars) and I pulled everything in, bleeding fingers and all. On the train people were jostling and pushing and totally uncaring to my appendage problems, and I know at one point I definitely dripped on someone, which is uncomfortable in the best circumstances.

So now I'm hungry and have a headache and want a Pepsi but I can't get either because I'm stuck with reception duty while everyone else in the company bitches to my bosses about how much they hate working here in what I like to call the Weekly Thursday Progress Meeting.

Pffpt. When can I be a part of that meeting?

9 March 2005 at 10:39 am | No Comments »
bitching

So I took my cat to the vet today to have her ovaries quickly excised from the kitty conveyer-belt I like to call the New York ASPCA.

It would make sense, then, that the date I choose to schedule an appointment for le chat (despite the fact that the appointment was scheduled three months ago) that it would not only pour all morning in a deluge of icewater, but it would also turn into a blizzard on the way home as well. So I'm sure I don't even have to explain how much fun it was to carry an eight pound cat in a gigantic kennel to the Upper East Side and back. When I don't live anywhere near there.

Not to mention that the train ran so slow going to the vet on the way to pick her up that I ended up coming home in the middle of rush hour with an angry pussy and a packed train. Glad I decided to take the day off, yo.

8 March 2005 at 7:34 pm | No Comments »
the daily things

brian: by the way, I hate you because you can go see stuff like wicked regularly
mixvio: how do you know about wicked in alaska?
mixvio: and how can you, as a presumed straight male, want to see/like seeing wicked?
brian: That is a fucking awesome broadway
mixvio: you never cease to amaze me.
mixvio: let's make out.

7 March 2005 at 1:38 am | No Comments »
chatlogs

• Damien Rice
  ("O")
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I pack my suit in a bag
I'm all dressed up for prague
I'm all dressed up with you
all dressed up for him too
prepare myself for a war
before I even open up my door
before I even look out
I'm pissing all of my bullets about
I wrap myself in a bag
I'm all wrapped up in prague
I'm all wrapped up in you
I'm all wrapped up in him too
prepare myself for a war
and I don't know what I'm doing this for
trying to let it all go
but how can I when you still don't know?
I could wait for you
like that hole in your boot waiting to be fixed
I could wait for you
but what good would that do but to leave me pricked?
cheers darlin'
here's to you and your lover, darling
I got years….
pack my suit in a bag
all dressed up for prague
pack my suit in a bag
all dressed up for….

6 March 2005 at 11:02 pm | No Comments »
soundtrack

What the fuck is with people. Seriously. Don't they know?

The da Vinci Code is a stupid book.

6 March 2005 at 4:06 pm | No Comments »
bitching

I restored all of the interim entries, so everything's current again. If you're confused, join the club.

I have no energy to write. One of my best, close friends told me today that he found out he's HIV +. I'm sad and frustrated. He's the fourth person I've known and the second to tell me since February.

5 March 2005 at 2:55 am | No Comments »
the daily things