I'm here.

I got in late Saturday night. Again, it feels a little odd to be here. Moreso than the last time I visited, close to a year ago.

The most part is that I feel a strange longing, but I don't know what for. A lot of it is this sudden boredom I've got. Last time I visited I had lots of visits planned with lots of people. It's up in the air as to whether or not I'll be seeing half of them this time, but even so this trip I'm here for a few days longer with a lot less to do. Couple that with my lack of a car and I feel more stir-crazy than I did last week after staying home from work the entire time.

C.S. and I got into a pretty big fight as he was driving me to the airport, because I saw a guy last week and ended up getting a hickey. Contrary to how he feels its procurement slipped my mind as the evening wasn't really one of my most favorite, so I forgot to tell him about the date. And he flipped out on me in a grocery store no less, which did nothing to keep me calm, so I lost it when we were back in the car. I honestly don't feel I really need to tell him about any of my dates as we haven't been together for over a year and a half, but I'm fucked one way or the other. If I tell him I'm going on a date he gets sullen and withdrawn and depressed, if I don't he gets sullen and withdrawn and depressed and accuses me of deceiving him.

Then we got into another fight today because he's been passive-aggressively barely talking to me since Saturday and I am pissed over it.

Am I wrong in feeling it's none of his business what I do and he should appreciate I'm so honest with him in the first place when any other ex wouldn't be that way?

It's pouring rain and storming and thundering.

And has anybody else noticed that Tori Amos' new cd is the shittiest piece of crap that ever produced sound?

30 May 2005 at 4:45 am | 1 Comment »
the daily things

I stayed up again all night.

I hear the weather in New Orleans is like ninety degrees… bizarre to me as all week we've had nothing but grey skies, cold temperatures and rain, rain rain.

We've been interviewing people all month to take Vine's room. And three times this week I've had one of the people, in the course of the interview, ask me what I "wanna be" when I grow up.

It's a weird question for me. Because I can't make my brain think too far ahead. Maybe once, not anymore, not when experience has showed me that life has nothing but contempt for long-term plans.

I feel icky and melancholy. It's probably because I haven't slept and my body isn't used to this. The last time I did the all-night binge was a year ago. Funny considering how often I did it every week.

Maybe I need a hug.

26 May 2005 at 7:39 am | No Comments »
bitching

I haven't gone to work since Friday.

Just haven't. Monday night I got bored around home and decided to go into my office for shits and giggles. No, I wanted to burn 15 gigs of data to a series of data-dvds and the only dvd-burner within my reach is at the office, on my boss' computer. So I packed up my laptop at about 11:30 PM and hopped on the F train to the city.

Despite the fact that my building pass obviously worked to get me in through the front doors, the security guards gave me bizarre looks coming in at midnight. It's a 24 hour office building in midtown, I don't know what was so strange. Maybe it's cos I was wearing jeans.

Being there so late was weird for me though. Yet oddly comforting because aside from a pile of mail nothing in the office was the slightest bit different than when I left it Thursday afternoon.

I'm feelin like a funny mood. Hm.

the world is my oyster
the road is my home
and I know that I'm better
off alone

25 May 2005 at 10:42 pm | No Comments »
the daily things

So here we are again, back to those nights of staying up until the sun rises.

Except typically those nights aren't nights when I should be at work in four hours. Because, in actuality, I do have a job, despite my behavior as of late to the contrary. As Jake put it, since they told me I was being let go I've done nothing whatsoever to make them rethink the decision. I mean, it's not like I care for them to, I hate the job and I've wanted to quit more or less once I realized what skeezy business I'd walked into, but all the same. What's left of my work ethic is tossing in its grave.

I guess mostly it's because Chinese Boss is in Hong Kong until the beginning of June and Gay Boss is never in the office anyway, and I find it hard to muster the desire to go into the office when I have nothing to do anyway and they're both not there to see me slack off. Maybe I also resent it.

But I did put in a good-faith effort to go through the pretenses… I went to bed at 4, because while I claimed I would go in to work today (after staying home or going in late three out of five days last week), I knew I wouldn't go in at nine and wouldn't stay until six as usual. But four turned to 4:30 then to 4:50, and restless I got up and decided to walk to the ATM and 24-hour bodega for no reason more than having nothing else to do. And walking out onto the street I was kindof comforted by seeing the sun coming up behind dark sapphire clouds and seeing people walking around already, or maybe just still.

C.S. snickered at me, telling me he knew I wasn't going to work today even though I said I was.

I decided to go back to New Orleans this weekend to see my family. It's funny how I manage to do this around each job loss, huh? The trip will be good.

Not so much to get away from NYC, but perhaps to reaffirm why I want to come back. I think I might need that now, when wondering thoughts of "can I get away with moving back in with my parents again?" run around my brain unwisely. I know I can't. But I'm reminded of a time when the troubles that I thought were the end of the world really weren't, and for all my grown-uppedness when anything really got bad I just had to call Mom or Dad for a ride home. Maybe they were crappy parents who didn't raise me or my brother for shit, but at least they really were always there for that.

I've missed them. It'll be nice to go back.

23 May 2005 at 4:59 am | No Comments »
introspection

Maybe I'll make a new layout today.

22 May 2005 at 7:41 pm | No Comments »
the daily things

I hate how every release, re-release, re-master with seven hours of bonus footage, etc, of a (new) Star Wars movie becomes an advertising mother lode. Am I the only one of the opinion that the most recent movie duo fails to live up to the aspirations of the films that built my childhood?

Fuck George Lucas.

15 May 2005 at 1:15 am | No Comments »
bitching

I had a dream that I received an email from Kent. He wrote it a few months before he disappeared, telling me that he planned on killing himself. Then there was another email, written a few months after he disappeared, saying that he'd changed his mind and didn't do it. Then another email some time after that saying he wanted to talk to me again and missed me.

The reason I didn't get the emails until now is because he sent them to an account that I hadn't used since I left him in Vancouver. I happened to check the account randomly and found all of them there. Then I woke up.

It was extremely vivid and I woke up feeling very guilty for some reason. I don't know what over.

13 May 2005 at 12:41 am | No Comments »
dreams, introspection

Well as I've said some times before, if I needed proof of my life's weirdness… well life never fails to provide it.

I sat down with my boss yesterday to be told that they no longer have the budget to keep me on staff full-time. This wasn't unexpected, what with the firing of the other gay guy and all, along with how I know they're making no money at all, but all the same I was taking a little aback.

So they said they wanted to keep me on part-time. However, unfortunately, their idea of part-time is my idea of unreasonable and I said no. We're not even talking of half a salary pay-cut, we're talking something like ten hours a week. That's not even worth me getting up for, especially as I work nine hours a day. So I told them no. I'm staying until the end of the month. Then, once again, I'm out of a job unless I come up with something else first.

So, not to be downtrodden, I revamped my resume and went to searching. I found an ad. It was weird. So weird, in fact, that I elected to PDF it and post it online for all of you to read. Read it, then come back here.

So I read that ad and it reminded me of my current boss. Not the Chinese one, the bizarre aggravating gay one. So I figured what the hell, I'll send an email.

I decided to stay home today. Chinese boss gave me a cold plus they fired me so really, what've I got to lose? Being fired… twice?

Lucky for me, I got a call from the guy's vacating assistant, wanting to set up an interview. So I went today at 5 PM to visit him at his apartment in Chelsea. The place I was supposed to go in particular was apartment 17A, however when I got to the 17th floor there was no A… Confused, I called the number for his office.

"Hi, I have a 5 PM appointment and I'm having trouble finding–"

"Oh, right, you're with me," says a voice behind me. I turn around to see some 5'4 twinkie kid standing in the hallway. My immediate thought is, since it was obvious from the guy's ad and Chelsea location that he's homosexual, he likes to hire twinkie boys. Uh oh. So I follow him into this huge office. I mean huge. A mahogany desk the length of my kitchen set, two widescreen, flat-screen, wall-mounted television sets, a row of leather seats; it was the epitome of rich executive.

The kid sat on the other side of the desk.

My jaw must've been on the floor somewhere because he said, "Yeah, I get that a lot."

"How old are you?" I ask bluntly. 22. Twenty-two. A year and a half older than me.

That, however, isn't even the aforementioned proof of weird.

Throughout the interview I noticed that he looked very familiar, but I couldn't place his face. I was barely paying attention, just trying to place who he was. He turned to me at some point and said, "You know, you look oddly familiar somehow." And then it hit me. I slept with him somewhere in the barrage of gay boys I slept with when I first moved to NYC.

[20:22] brian: well what's his name?
[20:23] mixvio: you know I doubt I knew then and I don't remember now.
[20:23] brian: slut

That should say it all.

12 May 2005 at 9:33 pm | No Comments »
the daily things

• Kelly Clarkson
  ("Breakaway")
  You need to download Flash if you see this message.

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
you fell so hard
I've learned the hard way to never let it get that far

because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
so I don't get hurt
because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me
but everyone around me
because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
and it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
every day of my life
my heart can't possibly break
when it wasn't even whole to start with

I watched you die
I heard you cry
every night in your sleep
I was so young
you should have known better than to lean on me
you never thought of anyone else
you just saw your pain
and now I cry
in the middle of the night
for the same damn thing

because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
because of you
I am afraid

9 May 2005 at 11:25 pm | No Comments »
soundtrack

I'm HIV negative.

7 May 2005 at 3:12 pm | No Comments »
the daily things