Archive for August, 2005

Pages: 1 2 Next

Skylight

So my room, being the one foot wide closet that it is, has no windows. In lieu of that I have a skylight instead.

Which, up until yesterday afternoon was covered because when I first moved into this place the light it provided was several suns bright and, as I worked nights, I couldn't take it. I covered it with something makeshift the same day as the '03 blackout and upgraded that to a wax-paper creation in the later days so that some light came through, but nothing as before.

Well I don't know if the color green of my bedroom walls sucks up light like a sponge or what, but I decided to redo the cover I placed over the skylight so that some more light could come through during the day. This, however, was much the task because millions of bugs apparently had come in to die in the space between the skylight and where the cover was blocking it. I had to go onto the roof, fiddle with the pyramid-shaped glass structure that sat on top of it for an hour to get in to that space on top and sweep it out with a broom. It was tres gross.

So anyway, after cleaning it all up and examining my work I realized it looked really awesome without any cover at all and, presumably, the light would be of a manageable level that didn't matter too much anyway as I'm out of the house during the day most of the time now anyway.

I decided to take photos! Joyous!

For some reason I wasn't able to really get in my purple Ikea desk, so you'll just have to take my word that it is the r0×0r.

It\'s all up to me

Two things made me feel good about myself today. Turned out I needed them because last night I got into a fight with Jake over the garbage no less and some of the things he said just really struck me as atrocious and I've been irritated ever since.

Then today I got yelled at by two customers and nearly attacked by a third. Boy, did I forget why I quit customer service. The third customer was upset because, of all things, I had the audacity to put cinnamon on top of his iced cappuccino, which is the way we make them. I think, however, this was only the tip of it given the way he went ballistic on me and the store.

He came in and I said hello, he had no reply, merely looked around and grunted "ICED CAPPUCCINO" at me after he finally acknowledged his presence. So I went to make it, and I was clearly foaming the milk when he grunted "I WANT FOAM." So I'm like, okay, whatever, and finish making the drink. Then I committed the grievous sin so worse that a serial pregnant-mother killer could not match the level of hell my soul is eternally confined to.

I put on the cinnamon.

"NO!" he screamed, nearly making me spill the drink all together. "NO. NEVER, you NEVER put cinnamon on the drink unless they ask."

I should interject that the amount of cinnamon I put on top of this foam was NEGLIGIBLE. It's mearly a garnish, I sincerely defy anyone to taste it.

But I said, clearly perturbed by his reaction, "Oh I apologize sir, that's how we make them."

He screamed, "NO. NOT HERE."

So by now I'm aggravated because it's nine in the morning and I haven't had an iced cappuccino, so I think in my head "oh okay, right, cos you work here," but say "all right sir, I'm sorry." Then I go to the next customer because with all of this ridiculousness a line has formed to the door. He doesn't quite shove the woman I was talking to out of the way as move himself in front of her and say "NO, I want you to fix this."

So I say, "Okay sir, you're going to have to wait just a moment," because no one shoves my customers but me. His response is to knock the drink over the counter and fling the glass at the mini-fridge next to me. "Now you can give me back my fucking money!"

Pissed so much my hands are shaking I throw his 5.00 bill back at him and say goodbye. He mutters something about seeing me again in a second. Whatever.

I take care of the customers and clean up the mess. He comes back.

To say he was on a rampage is being coy.

He flung canisters of milk and half-and-half out of his way, knocked over a display of cookies, and started slamming his hands against the counter screaming "You're a fucking asshole, you can't fucking treat people this way."

My eyes have bugged straight out of my skull and I very resolutely slam a bag of coffee beans next to his fists on the counter. He shuts up. I say very calmly and confidently, "You need to calm down NOW or I'm calling the police."

He spits in my general direction. "Fucking call them then!" I walk purposefully towards the phone and pick it up.

"Would you like me to? Would you like the police to show up for a three dollar iced drink because I put cinnamon on it?" His nostrils flare for his only reply. I say, in the same clear tone of voice as before, "Now, I am happy to make you whatever drink you'd like, cinnamon or no, but you are going to need to lower your voice, and you're going to need to stand over there calmly until I'm finished. Am I clear?" I can tell he's seconds from snapping but some reason in his brain prevails and he says, at a normal tone now, "Fine. Iced cappuccino." Throughout all of this the customers who haven't already gotten up and left the store because it looked like I was going to be shot are staring at the man in wide-eyed terror. I should say that he was probably six feet tall and three hundred pounds and could probably crush my head under his eyelid. I make his drink while he curses about what an asshole I am under his breath. At one point he reiterates that I have no right to treat people "this way," whatever way that is, just as my manager (who wasn't present for any of it before) walks through the front door and hears the tail end of his blabbering and my reply of: "Sir, however slighted you might have felt from my seasoning problem did in no way justify the way you destroyed my store. If you'd like I can throw this drink away and we can go back to calling the police." My manager just looked forward and walked straight to the back.

He did, however, come back about an hour later for another iced drink and to apologize profusely for how he acted. I found out also that after I'd left for the day he came back again and apparently burst into tears when he said how sorry he was. Insane people, I swear.

But then I got home and found a very nice and sweet email from a reader that made me happy, and right under that was an email from a boy I met some time ago and wouldn't sleep with because he does crystal meth and I've made a resolution to have nothing to do with people who have anything to do with that drug however "socially." He told me that he wanted to thank me for my principles and resolve and knowing exactly what I want and what I'd stand for, because that drove him to start seeing a drug counselor and he hasn't used anything in months.

I dunno. I guess C.S. is right, I might not affect change all over the planet in one swoop but knowing that I'd affected two random people enough for them to bother emailing me about it made crazy cappuccino man not so annoying. The self esteem boost made me smile. )

scar

Another day, another night. C.S. is out of town; he went to Moscow for his birthday. He'll be back sometime either Friday morning or afternoon. I feel pretty blech without him being around and I hate it.

Because I don't think anything will be accomplished by us dating again. And my sex-drive is even less than it was while we were together and I can't explain why that is. I went on gay.com this afternoon and before I did I noticed the the date next to "last login" was three weeks ago.

Is it some kindof fear reaction? I don't know, but it hasn't dissipated any since we broke up. Though to be honest we haven't exactly made the terms of our breakup that clear.

I wish that I knew why I get irritated every time he goes to kiss me just because he's trying to kiss me, as if I can smell that he really wishes I'd stick my tongue in his mouth. I wish that I could find happiness with him because he's really everything that I could ever want. And I know that but yet I don't want him, nor could I accept it if he was with somebody else.

I don't know. I already said that.

I'm so complicated. And at the same time so see-through and transparent.

I know why I'm alone. Why no one sticks around, even the ones I'd like to. Even those who'd like to. Because I take out the loss of Kent on every boy I date, every boy I sleep with and speak to more than once. To the point where I've set up this system of disappointment and it doesn't bug me when they leave. It is, after all, what I expected.

Oh, sure. There is some merit to whatever I bitch about. But not enough really and I blow it all out of proportion anyway.

I miss him. Both C.S. and Kent. Two boys, so interwoven into my fabric. Oh, to live a life so solitary. Me at 16 wouldn't have been so jealous if I'd known the future.

Leviathan

I'm not very happy lately.

So.

Just listen to this:

End of a series

I just, finally, finished the final episode of Queer as Folk.

I dunno quite how I felt about the ending. But the ending of the series, hokey and contrived as it was, made me feel sadly nostalgic.

When it started Kent and I had really just begun dating. I remember his exuberance. I remember how he recorded all of the episodes on Beta, and I'm sure he's the only person in the world to still have a working Betamax. But he recorded them, he made me watch the entire first season in a weekend because I hadn't watched it in New Orleans. I didn't like the show much then, either.

His birthday passed, nearly a month ago. He would've been twenty four. Yet he was 20 when he died. I've finally outlived him. I guess what saddened me the most was the fact that I didn't remember it was his birthday until the episode ended and I had a memory of sitting in his makeshift living room watching the show.

I guess I'll never fully understand how someone so utterly wrong for me by my current standards still managed to pierce me completely. How someone I would've had a fight with in the interim between date one and date two and never spoken to again today managed to completely skew my entire concept and perception of boys, how I should treat them, how they should treat me, and what I can safely expect from love.

I guess. All I can say. Is I'm who I am because of that destruction. And I dunno, I can't confidently say I would change that if it would mean I spent the last four years with him.

I remember when you told me 'love is touching souls'
surely you've touched mine
part of you
pours out of me
in these lines from time to time

Pffpt moreso

I just finished the sixth Harry Potter book.

I am devistated to an immortal capacity.

That bitch. Who does she think she is.

Books and flaming covers

A customer came in today. While I was getting her order together she struck up a conversation about something called the New York International Fringe Festival — this in and of itself was nothing, except that she brought it up like she'd assumed I knew what she was talking about & it wasn't until the chat had gone on for several minutes that she actually mentioned the name of the program itself.

"Oh," I said, "I'm not really much of a theatre person."

Her expression turned to slight surprise and she blinked at me for a moment before replying, "Huh, I thought you would've been."

I guess it says something when people don't even bother to ask if I'm gay now, but I don't know quite what that statement is supposed to be.

Self-actualization

I decided last week to reformat my laptop. The reason being that it came preinstalled with much useless shit that I should've removed when I first got it but I was too excited and eager about having a laptop that I ignored the software. I mean really, what could it do?

However I was quite wrong since most of the preinstalled stuff ended up being drivers and crap and other stuff that wasn't even designed for my laptop, eliciting the question of why it was all there to begin with.

But I didn't know all of this at first. At first I was a mad installing machine, loading all of the programs and such that I've grown to love and adore. I was estatic. My own laptop, my first computer bought and paid-for with my own money. Nothing could ruin my joy.

Until for no reason whatsoever my computer began the unbelievably annoying practice of rebooting without clear justification. I was perturbed. Brand new computers should not do this.

After a few days of not being able to nail down what the problem was exactly I just gave up and finished installing everything. The reboot problem, annoying as it was, became something I learned to deal with.

Until it interfered with my playing of computer games.

Then it was payback, bitch.

I bought this new computer game some weeks ago and upon installing it discovered that for no reason it just wasn't going to run. This was the last straw. I decided to format figuring a fresh start would take care of a lot of problems if not all of them.

I ended up getting pretty lucky because everything's been fixed.

That wasn't the point of this entry.

The point of it was that I had to reload my iTunes library and reestablish permission for the songs in it that had come from the iTunes music store. Most of these songs were purchased by me but a handful of them were given to me by other people, mostly boys/ex-tricks who I haven't spoken to in a long time. So I had to send out a few emails asking for passwords again. I guess I am a pretty rotten person because they all replied with them; if it'd been me I probably would've written back something rude and snippy.

That's it.

the prayer of Ceridwen

goddess, guard me
for my hands cannot reach your face
and the storms around me blow ever stronger.
goddess, guard me
for they strike at me with stones
and my wounds are neverending.

goddess, guard me
take my body in your hands
and give me wings and wind
to fly.

Pffpt -- spoiler warning

I take it back.

I finished the Order of the Phoenix last night.

It made me cry. Poor Sirius.

Pages: 1 2 Next