I just, finally, finished the final episode of Queer as Folk.

I dunno quite how I felt about the ending. But the ending of the series, hokey and contrived as it was, made me feel sadly nostalgic.

When it started Kent and I had really just begun dating. I remember his exuberance. I remember how he recorded all of the episodes on Beta, and I'm sure he's the only person in the world to still have a working Betamax. But he recorded them, he made me watch the entire first season in a weekend because I hadn't watched it in New Orleans. I didn't like the show much then, either.

His birthday passed, nearly a month ago. He would've been twenty four. Yet he was 20 when he died. I've finally outlived him. I guess what saddened me the most was the fact that I didn't remember it was his birthday until the episode ended and I had a memory of sitting in his makeshift living room watching the show.

I guess I'll never fully understand how someone so utterly wrong for me by my current standards still managed to pierce me completely. How someone I would've had a fight with in the interim between date one and date two and never spoken to again today managed to completely skew my entire concept and perception of boys, how I should treat them, how they should treat me, and what I can safely expect from love.

I guess. All I can say. Is I'm who I am because of that destruction. And I dunno, I can't confidently say I would change that if it would mean I spent the last four years with him.

I remember when you told me 'love is touching souls'
surely you've touched mine
part of you
pours out of me
in these lines from time to time

Entry last modified: April 14, 2006 at 1:40 pm.

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