Another day, another night. C.S. is out of town; he went to Moscow for his birthday. He'll be back sometime either Friday morning or afternoon. I feel pretty blech without him being around and I hate it.

Because I don't think anything will be accomplished by us dating again. And my sex-drive is even less than it was while we were together and I can't explain why that is. I went on gay.com this afternoon and before I did I noticed the the date next to "last login" was three weeks ago.

Is it some kindof fear reaction? I don't know, but it hasn't dissipated any since we broke up. Though to be honest we haven't exactly made the terms of our breakup that clear.

I wish that I knew why I get irritated every time he goes to kiss me just because he's trying to kiss me, as if I can smell that he really wishes I'd stick my tongue in his mouth. I wish that I could find happiness with him because he's really everything that I could ever want. And I know that but yet I don't want him, nor could I accept it if he was with somebody else.

I don't know. I already said that.

I'm so complicated. And at the same time so see-through and transparent.

I know why I'm alone. Why no one sticks around, even the ones I'd like to. Even those who'd like to. Because I take out the loss of Kent on every boy I date, every boy I sleep with and speak to more than once. To the point where I've set up this system of disappointment and it doesn't bug me when they leave. It is, after all, what I expected.

Oh, sure. There is some merit to whatever I bitch about. But not enough really and I blow it all out of proportion anyway.

I miss him. Both C.S. and Kent. Two boys, so interwoven into my fabric. Oh, to live a life so solitary. Me at 16 wouldn't have been so jealous if I'd known the future.

Entry last modified: April 14, 2006 at 1:39 pm.

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