I broke up with C.S. last night.

I took it pretty badly. So I figure he's miserable.

I did a horrible job of it too, mostly because I have little experience doing that sort of thing and I didn't know what to say or do.

Basically I wasn't happy, but it wasn't because of him. It was because I guess I finally made a realization that somehow I wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship. And I think I've known that all along probably, but maybe only deep down. Because any time I'd tried to understand why I got so freaked out when I found myself heading towards that direction with any person I never could. It oddly was the advice of my straight coworker who finally put it in perspective for me.

I need time to myself to figure out what I want and I tried to explain that to him though I'm sure I rambled and made no sense at all. It was difficult, because I knew I hurt him pretty badly last night. But I figure it was better for me to do this than become really agitated and withhold sex or cheat on him or lose my mind.

I guess that I never realized it because all my life I've always felt like I was looking for somebody. When I was younger, in school, before I came out to the world I was miserable, crying all the time about how lonely I was. Then I met Kent and I didn't have somebody yet but at least I was in what I pretended was a relationship and that ended…. I guess I've never really been single ever. Or not for very long. I tend to back them up one to another, and even when C.S. and I had "broken up" we really hadn't, we saw each other all the time and talked all the time and still slept with each other….

So I tried to explain that to him as best as I could think and I don't know how well I achieved it. I told him we shouldn't talk for a while because I need time to myself for a bit and he needs to not see me so often so he's not always hurt whenever I go out and do anything.

But still. I didn't get out of bed until 8 PM today. I wasn't really sleeping. I just didn't feel like moving.

29 November 2005 at 11:49 pm | No Comments »
the daily things

I'm 21 now.

The news reports were correct, yes.

I didn't do quite so much on my birthday which I was pretty much fine with, though I did celebrate a lot the day before for the birthday of a coworker of mine; the drunkness reached such a point that even I, rainbow homo of the year 3 years running, made out with a girl.

It was okay. I only shudder every now and then when I think about it by this point.

My old french teacher from Louisiana is in town for thanksgiving this week, and she and her daughter took me out last night for a birthday dinner. It was nice to see her, as she put it, for the first time in my natural habitat.

And I realized that I was 15-16 when I was in her French I class. 15. To 16. And I'm 21 now.

It was too much.

22 November 2005 at 3:30 pm | No Comments »
the daily things

I had a pretty immensely weird dream last night that drew references from a whole bunch of things I've been immersed in lately and yet really left me sad when I woke up.

I had a dream that I was a somehow unwitting time traveler (which came from Audrey Niffenegger's book The Time Traveler's Wife whereas the mechanics of my ability probably was more inspired by Neal Asher's Cowl) but only had the ability to jump forward into my own future. Kindof Quantum Leap there, too. In the beginning it started with shifts of a few hours or days, but each jump sent me exponentially further into the future until I was skipping a year, a few years, nearly a decade, etc.

Each time I jumped and arrived I would have the memories of what'd happened to me in the time I'd missed, so it wasn't as if I blinked out of life. In some capacity I'd experienced everything, yet I somehow managed to fast forward through the movie. But in one of those nifty dream-contradictions that didn't always hold true, as demonstrated:

The sad bits came from my interactions with other people around me who knew about what was happening. They seemed to be left behind while I jumped and when I came back were excited to see me, as if I actually had disappeared. It was very strange because I felt in the dream as if I'd been with them yet we both somehow knew I'd been gone for some time.

In one of the earlier shifts C.S. and I broke up and stopped talking for a while. We got together again as friends and I started seeing somebody else reluctantly for a few reasons. First, the over-arcing detail throughout the dream was that I was some type of monster hunter or whatnot, and I kindof got the idea that the time-jumping was a curse put onto me by the big bad guy I was fighting. So the way I met this guy was because he'd somehow found me after a fight with the evil-thing that caused me to shift again. I was very wounded and hurt and he kindof rescued me. Except he was like, totally a kid, probably not more than 16 while I was at least in my mid 20's by now.

Those of you who know me know the irony in that. :P Also the kid looked a lot like this kid who works at the Babbage's in a mall near C.S.' house, a detail that I found further strange.

So the kid stuck around, patiently waiting for me each time I jumped. And each time I jumped I got older and I felt it, I looked older, I had less stamina and endurance and I was having a harder and harder time fighting this guy. At some point I'd shifted and found out that C.S. had passed away which made me very sad because though I remembered being there for him I didn't have the visceral experience of doing so. It was like I'd remembered a story someone had described for me of it.

The dream just kept going along like that, with me slowly losing my family, friends, etc, until finally I was very old and preparing for my final confrontation with this monster. And, as luck would happen, I woke up before it happened.

19 November 2005 at 4:05 pm | No Comments »
dreams

there are certain people that you keep replaying
songs scratched into a record
carved into singular individual matter
time travelers who rewrite your soul
into a soul meshed with theirs

the loss of such
intransmutable
beings
is the loss of what you are
death & other associated trivialities
don't carry the emotional explosions as this dying
oh to long for a life of such clear
forgetfulness

if I couldn't remember your
face
I think this would be so much easier.

17 November 2005 at 4:11 pm | No Comments »
poetry/prose

So to get around the problem of notifying when I update the story, I elected to just give it its own category. Now, those who want to see if I've made a revision since the last time the story was uploaded can check there!

In this update I added the (now) current version of Kallis:War Pigs and also the new Kallis:1st Interlude. Enjoy!

11 November 2005 at 4:20 am | No Comments »
a total stranger one black day

It's that time of year again!

My birthday! 11/16!

Most importantly, my 21st birthday. Which means it's doubly imperative that you all buy me presents.

To make the process simple I once again instituted the amazon.com wishlist.

It's cheap shit bitches. You can all afford books and computer games. I only turn 21 once!

Begin your decent into commercialism here.

1 November 2005 at 3:38 pm | No Comments »
hear ye!