For as long as I can remember, I've felt I wasn't going to live much further past my 30th birthday.

The age is arbitrary and non-selective as far as it goes; that's just what my "feeling" has centered on. And it has been, literally, as long as I can remember. Which, if you can recall anything about growing up, at least for me the sixth-graders seemed older than hell, so 30 was an accomplishment beyond anything I could ever fathom. I have always felt my development had been accelerated. I was smarter than most kids my age, even if I largely turned my back on those early provisions granted to me on that basis. I moved out on my own younger than most people can even think about doing it. Even now I make more than my parents do when most people my age are getting out of college and starting internships or their first jobs. I live on my own where most adults in NYC can't. Being Pagan it ties into my beliefs about reincarnation. My super-self decided to push things along to help the corporeal me be better equipped to deal with the issues I felt I am here for, which meant I couldn't live out a "normal" development. At least that's how I see it anyway.

Anyway, that "feeling" is tied to a Purpose, which I won't get into here, and it's made it harder to get rid of as I've gotten older.

And I'm not fatalistic, or even resigned to my fate. It's always just been something far-enough off that it wasn't anything I had to worry about yet. But as I've gotten older that hasn't been much justification, and now that it's in single-digit years and each birthday brings it closer I'm getting depressed about it.

Well anyway, I do have a point.

Last night I was laying in bed ruminating on this, after having previously had a conversation with a good friend of mine regarding the therapy that C.S. wants me to consider looking into. Now I've largely felt this will be pointless as I spend much of my alone time being introspective and I've yet to really see where a total stranger is going to give me perspective on myself that myself cannot. Or without pumping me full of pills, which tends to be the case these days. And while I largely think therapy will be pointless, I am prepared to admit there are some issues I deal with that I haven't been able to fix by myself. My expiration date being one such.

And I also admit that it affects, and bothers me. I have trouble pushing my thinking and planning beyond the immediate. A few months ahead of me seems like years and I am reticent to nail anything down on the assumption that by the time I get to it, plans will have changed. (Part of this is probably Kent's doing to, as I think about it. For two years the Plan was that I'd hit 18 and move to Vancouver, and it seemed intransmutable and solid. And we all know how that worked out.)

I lose focus, and drive, on anything that will take longer than a few days or weeks to accomplish. I've been struggling with writing a book for years now, which is a departure from me at 13, 14, 15, 16. I can barely motivate myself to write a few sentences, sentences that are largely just word-revisions to stuff I've already written. Because in the back of my mind, even if I don't consciously say it, is the thought: What's the point? I'll be dead in seven years anyway. And it's depressing. I feel increasingly lethargic. I don't want to do much of anything, I've lost most of my creativity and just putter about online all day. This inevitability affects me probably as much as Kent did.

Now I mentioned Purpose, and it's true. It's not like I want to die, I think it's just going to happen. But I feel that it's tied into a larger "Thing" that I very much do want, and I'm okay with going out in a blaze to accomplish that. But that's also a "feeling," and a lot rests on it for me.

Because lying in bed last night thinking, I came upon my own breakthrough, unvoiced all this time. What really worries me is that if I'm wrong, and there is no death at 30, and there is no "Thing," then my existence has no point, and thus is not special. And while I'm concerned about my own sudden mortality, what concerns me more is the possibility it doesn't happen. The thought of saving for retirement, getting a mortgage, buying a house, working for the rest of my life. Health insurance, 401(k)s, retirement, being 60. Failing organs, growing old, dying peacefully in the far future with none of the changes to the world happening that I'm expecting to happen and have been expecting to happen for all of my life.

So I don't need therapy to realize that the fix is letting go of that. But to do that requires I turn my back on thoughts that have been ingrained in me for years.

I don't really know which I want to do.

27 November 2007 at 9:18 pm | No Comments »
introspection, fate

There. I'm on record now.

26 November 2007 at 2:15 pm | 2 Comments »
bitching, web 2.0

The funny-looking demon I've let into the house, along with the other demon who's training him well in the ways of Annoying Joshua.

More here. Why I got another when Demona was enough of a terror to deal with as a kitten, I don't know. Father forgive me, for I know not what I do.

I did manage to sleep finally, which was totally ruined when I woke up at 9:30 and figured I should let them out to eat, and ended up getting subjected to all kinds of horrible scurrying as they took out a night of pent-up energy and aggression on me. Anyone want me to FedEx them a cat or two?

24 November 2007 at 3:29 pm | 3 Comments »
shutterbugs, cats, Demona, Rosco

I don't remember right now if I ever said I got a second cat. Well, I got a second cat.

I was concerned that Demona was getting lonely in the new apartment while I was at work all day. In my old place one roommate was always home so she had someone around. And here she seemed lethargic and emo, so I thought a new friend would be beneficial to her. I expected some push-back because she's a prissy drama queen, and decided to get a kitten specifically for that. Well after the first two weeks of her generally alternating between growling, hissing and staring at me like I put her on a diet, she and the funny looking monster (whom I've named Rosco) got along more or less fine.

To the point that I can't sleep anymore, because the moment I turn the lights out they begin stalking each other through the apartment, running full-speed into furniture and each other.

It's been driving me nuts because they're so fucking loud. And it's always, always going on at 4 am on a weeknight.

So I locked them in the bathroom with the litter box to experiment. And aside from a few attempts at escape when I open the door, there hasn't been a peep. So fuck off PETA, I can't wait for bed.

24 November 2007 at 4:21 am | 1 Comment »
bitching, the daily things, Demona, drama queen, kitten, monster, new friend, nuts, PETA, prissy, Rosco, sleep

I really shouldn't be awake still, but my sleep schedule is really fucked. I stay up too late, procrastinate sleeping for as long as I can, then feel shitty all day because I didn't get enough rest. Maybe I need some Lunestra or something.

Happy Turkeyday. I'm going over to C.S.' house as per generally-usual.

I dunno. I guess that's all I got. Stuff's on my mind, but nothing tangible. I just feel meh. I guess it's the holiday.

22 November 2007 at 5:06 am | 1 Comment »
bitching, introspection, Lunestra, meh, procrastinate, sleep, Thanksgiving

There's a 2007 movie about Cthulhu… with Tori Spelling.

I must find where it's screening. It looks like it might manage to unseat Snakes on a Plane in sheer lolfactor.

20 November 2007 at 4:18 pm | 3 Comments »
the daily things, cthulhu, lol, snakes on a plane, tori spelling

In a related bout of graphical enhancements, last week Linden Lab released an updated beta version of their Windlight system which has been teasing us all with massive visual improvements to Second Life ever since the summer. The first version of it was so terribly buggy that it was pulled shortly after release and another test version wasn't available for anyone to try out again until now. However there had been a steady stream of blue ball inducing images sent from the development staff in the space between, making all of us jealous and eager to get our hands on it ourselves.

It was a little rocky at first and there are still some bits that need to be worked on, but overall I'm not just impressed, but actually completely stunned. Everything is beautiful now, and sometimes approaches photo-realistic, especially if you look at the water.

Comparing it against images I've taken in the past of non-Windlight enabled SL and it's pretty obvious there's a huge improvement.

19 November 2007 at 10:42 pm | No Comments »
shutterbugs, virtual worlds, beta, graphical enhancements, images, improvement, Second Life, visual improvements, Windlight

So yes, the layout has been revamped. I'd been fucking around with it in the sandbox for a while now, unsure of what really to go with; the old layout was nice to look at in Firefox and I really liked it, but it had really strange problems in IE that I couldn't quite figure out how to fix. Problems that caused huge rendering discrepancies between browsers. In the end I totally tore open the HTML and rewrote it from scratch, fixing the problems that plagued the old version and giving you… this.

I like it; it's different from what I usually go with and while still retaining elements of the old layout it's got its own feet. Which is why I'm saying "revamped" as opposed to brand new. I'm a fan of the simplicity lately, the clean lines and low emphasis on graphics. So we'll see how it goes. I have my friend Adam to thank extensively as well for helping me bounce ideas off of until 5 am over the weekend.

Now, when I feel up to it, I'll throw out a real entry.

19 November 2007 at 5:42 pm | 4 Comments »
the daily things, browsers, layout, revamped

I'm hoping and wondering if my newfound mobility might help with my slump. I've got a lot of time to kill to and from work that might be better spent trying to write, even short stuff, instead of staring vacantly at other people on the train.

I tried to apply myself at work today. Even though my current task is really boring I gave it a strong try. And pretty amazingly, I got stuff done and the day went by faster. And, dare I say, I think my mood improved as well.

So who knows. I guess it's a baby step. And as long as it keeps me off of the anti-depressants I'll keep it up.

12 November 2007 at 5:55 pm | 1 Comment »
introspection, anti depressants, baby step, slump

I used to be driven to do things. I remember sitting in my room at fifteen with a stack of looseleaf paper glued into manila folder. This was the 'book' and I used to write them extensively. It didn't matter that I never finished any, the point was the constant quest for improving. I did the same with music, sitting up at night with headphones and a pen, jotting down chords and notes individually as I came up with a song.

I used to write in my journal daily. Multiple times a day. I used to do this and maintain a site too. Poetry. I made things.

Then somewhere I lost the drive. Whether the fact that for so many years my focus was on wondering where food was coming from or something else, I lost my motivation. To create, to make things, to work– god, how many jobs have I lost to sheer indifference? That intensity is gone and I can't seem to get it back. It's a daily test of will to even get up and go to work. I'm not depressed, just lethargic. I don't feel like there's anything to get up for, and were it not starvation I'd face I wonder if I would bother.

I miss what it felt like to care.

12 November 2007 at 2:45 am | 2 Comments »
introspection, indifference, intensity, lethargic, looseleaf paper, manilla folder, motivation, starvation