Archive for January, 2008

Let it rain

I had originally written a longer, more pointed entry about what I'm going to shortly explain, and after it accomplished the goal I intended it to accomplish I decided, after speaking with my lawyer, to temporarily remove the entry. Given, however, that this is a subject targeted very much at my real life and I don't intend to be bowed down by the tactics surrounding it, I had intended from the beginning to restore a shortened version of the entry.

I must also beg your pardon for the particulars, this specific Drama is long and tedious and its origins are in the lovely magnet of psychopaths and losers that is Second Life. I continue to marvel at what total nutjobs gravitate towards SL and its third-party communities, it's like a flashing bug light that says CRAZY.

At any rate, here we go.

Some time back there was a forum website known as Second Citizen. Originally the SL forum-community was based on the official site of the platform, and sometime in late 2006 the developers decided to eliminate all parts of the forum that were about community, instead eviscerating it until it was little more than begrudging tech advice centered around the whims of a nazi-esque resident moderator. Several third party forums erupted or had their traffic increase as a result. Of the many that sprung up Second Citizen (SC) was the most popular. I made my way over in September 06 or so and considered it "home," spending more time in the forum than I actually ever had in SL.

However in every community there are those pathetic assholes and their brazenness seems magnified when given access to a computer, audience and no personal accountability. What originally started out as seemingly random anonymous personal attacks directed at various visible members of the community have since become a pattern of harassment and stalking directed by an individual or individuals (two) against anyone they irrationally consider a target.

The stuff was originally contained to SC, stupid trolling posts and threats directed at the site owner and a couple other people. This became bizarre instant messages on Yahoo, which then became emails and comment spam and anonymously-created websites springing up for a few weeks at a time to disparage SC and its owner.

Eventually the plug on SC was pulled and much of its traffic moved over to SLUniverse, a site owned by a very good friend of mine that's been around for several years. The stalker(s) followed as well, not content with the victory of intimidation they had netted with getting SC shut down. While everything was originally contained to just the internet, this quickly changed. Several months ago I began getting harassing phone calls at work from the same person. I have always been proud of the fact that I am an open and honest person, even online and with sharing details about myself that others would consider completely private. I have always felt, since coming out of the closet, that keeping "secrets" enables attack vectors for someone to exploit. As such I am open, I can't be blackmailed because there's no secret you can expose that I haven't already talked about at length.

My one begrudging exception to this has been involving details that would make it possible for someone to contact me in person without my consent. I know it's a reasonable stipulation, but it's always bothered me to have to have. And the appearance of someone willing to go that far to needle me highlighted exactly why.

So I got my manager involved and explained the situation, and considering that I personally roll my eyes when I have to explain anything about these maladjusted dipshits, he was very helpful and took the situation seriously.

Which was just as well, because shortly after I started getting phone calls at work, those ceased and the next phase of escalation began. Phone calls became eighty-seven page faxes sent 24/7 for a week to the upper executives of my company accusing me of using company property to harass SLU (which was owned by a friend of mine, if you recall) and demanding I be fired or they would bring a lawsuit.

Thankfully, coupled with me bringing the stalker(s) to the attention of my bosses earlier, this stuff was immediately dismissed as ridiculous and nothing came of it. And the company is immunized against further attacks. But it could have easily gone differently, and by this point I was so livid that there would really be only one resolution.

Beyond the forum posts and emails and various registered websites disparaging myself (and comments ironically saying I have no life and nothing better to do than post online), my friend and anyone who sticks up for it, my friend, who is straight, has found his real name, real address and real telephone numbers posted on personals sites soliciting gay sex. He's found out that this person has purchased background checks on him (and likely me as well). He has had photographs of his apartment posted online, photographs looking into windows of his house. The seemingly obvious goal is to intimidate us into giving up our pursuit of legal action against these pathetic individuals, and it obviously isn't going to work.

In the interim this behavior has been linked to similar activity going back about two years ago, on at least four websites, including conclusively my own. What originally came off as random behavior has solidified into a concerted, calculated web of activity that despite its organization ultimately comes down to a psychopath lashing out at anyone that gets in front of them.

As to motivation I really can't even surmise. It's easy enough to dismiss it all as crazy, or motivated from jealousy, or something else, but the truth is until this person or persons are caught, and rest assured they will be, we won't really know. Having been a blogger before the word blog existed, and been online since Geocities existed (BEFORE the Yahoo! buyout), I am used to being a target simply for the fact that I was visible, popular, well-known. When I used to cultivate interest in having high site traffic and unique users I dealt with stuff like this fairly regularly. It was always contained to the medium it originated in, but it's a fish of similar shape.

Ultimately I, nor anyone else targeted thus far, will bow and give in to this sort of behavior. And soon, very soon, this person or persons will learn how un-anonymous the internet actually is.

I am saddened

I managed to kill even this, which had nothing else to do but dangle off a twine loop from my bag during the day.

I mean for fuck's sake it was exposed to nature for longer than any plant in my apartment has been!

Speaking of, those are all dying as well. The natural lighting situation in my place leaves something to be desired. I need to buy like a bunch of fake plants.

Or plants cultivated inside someone's closet.

delicate balance

I have had an interesting first few weeks of 2008.

For the Christmas holiday I returned to New Orleans for the first time since I was 16. I was set for this to be an annoying trip all around, given that it was also going to be my longest New Orleans vacation, but it ended up being pleasantly surprising and very enjoyable. I made more of an effort to definitely see people this time as well and ended up having a really good time.

The visit also ended up setting off the catalyst for several things that became my New Year Resolution(s). Several of them I have already done or have begin doing, even, so there's progress on that front and the month isn't even over!

Firstly, I finally, completely, officially, totally have cut things off romantically/sexually with C.S. We've been "broken up" for so long anyway but essentially just in name. We still had sex, we still cuddled, we still talked constantly on the phone and online and saw each other regularly, etc. We might have not called each other boyfriends but for so long our break up has just been dragging itself out along its claws. It's been hard, we both care about each other so much, and I consider him one of my best friends and someone I'm incredibly close to, and it's difficult to progress from an emotional connection like we've had.

And I also realized that a lot of it is me feeling a lot of guilt, both for how I treated him when we first started dating so many years ago and at the fact that I have been able to "move on" sortof with more ease than he has. I have been afraid to kill things because he gets hurt and depressed when I do. But I realized that it's not helping both of us when I allow that to dictate my life, or his by proxy. It's not helping us move on completely until we actually move on.

So we're just friends.

My second resolution, also along those lines, is to attempt to be more sociable. I've been in NYC five years now as of a couple weeks ago and there's hardly anyone here I would consider more than acquaintances. And since getting my own apartment I find myself in my apartment more times than not and it's nearly frightening. I realized, though I didn't quite admit, how much of my social life was interactions with roommates I didn't like very much. And now that even that is gone I have begun to also realize how much I have to start working towards fixing it.

So I have. This weekend I went out with a friend, and we saw Cloverfield (which was a good movie even if I suffered a very strong reality disconnect afterward from watching a movie filmed in a hand-held camera down the streets of Manhattan and then walking out onto those same streets) and then I went to a club where I danced to the point of having sweat run down into my eyes. It was a lot of fun, and I'm making an effort to tell myself to go to these things. I'm making an effort to not turn down the work-function invites.

It's not completely easy because a lot of this is habitual to me, but I'm trying.

I'm 23 years old, I have felt old my entire life, but I don't have to.

Jane\'s Dimitri

the moment that she realized
she'd already had the love of her life
was fifty years and five minutes too late
he'd followed her halfway across the earth
he'd followed her far from his Russian birth
he'd followed her like he was Tarzan
and she was Jane

well the moon belongs to no one
but he promised it was hers
she was sixteen on a class trip
clutching freedom like a purse
and they met one night in Moscow
he had chips upon both shoulders
like a baby Johnny Rotten
hypnotizing as a scream

what is Jane supposed to say?
what is Jane supposed to do?
now she finally recognizes
what's always been more than true
what is Jane supposed to feel?
now she finally hears his voice
like the days between the truth
leaving her no other truth
oh, Jane's Dimitri

when he showed up at her doorstep
she was shipwrecked and confused
disbelief is a defensive
labyrinth of 'I love yous'
no one teaches girls to stand up
to their parents or their fears
no one preaches to the elders
to bow down to teenage years

what is Jane supposed to say?
what is Jane supposed to do?
now she finally recognizes
what's always been more than true
will they lock her up in madness?
will they throw away the key?
she has seen his face in strangers'
made sweet love with enemies
does it matter that she's wandered
like a gypsy dandelion in the air
kissing demons with the desperateness of Judas
and his spell
oh, Jane's Dimitri

well regret is like arthritis
gripping wisdom by the joint
and you're gasping and you're drowning
while love's sharpening her point
sixty-five and still a virgin
to her wistfulness of risk
she stopped crying after twelve months
she stopped writing after six

what is Jane? what is Jane?
now she finally recognizes
what's always been in her way
what is Jane supposed to feel?
now she finally hears his voice
like the days between the Sabbath
leaving her no other choice
like a gypsy dandelion in the air
kissing demons with the desperateness of Judas
and his spell
oh, Jane's Dimitri